From my notebook:
Oh God, I am so lonely. I am surrounded by people who love me and who want to connect who care and yet I am so lonely. Please reach down and fill this gap in my heart.
There are so many moments that give me overwhelming feelings of happiness and pleasure:
And those are just moments from yesterday wonderful moments from yesterday.
There are also general moments that give me immense pleasures:
In spite of all these wonderful things, it seems sometimes as if my overriding feeling is one of loneliness and sadness and I cant quite figure out why that is but it obviously has its roots in ME and who I am and how I process things.
One thing is for sure, the busier I am, the less chance I have to dwell on how I feel. Does that make me feel better? I guess it depends on what I am busy with. If Im busy with church stuff or work, generally I feel less lonely. If I am just puttering around the house it could go either way.
C.S. Lewis says you cant find happiness when youre looking for it. He says that more eloquently, of course, but either way I think thats probably quite true. And actually I think in some ways our diaries misrepresent us. I dont spend nearly as much time dwelling on this stuff as my diary would make it appear. After all, when would I have time to do anything else then? My diary is a special place for just special things. It is completely self-indulgent and for no good or unselfish purpose whatsoever. Everything about this diary is totally selfish but Im keeping it and Im keeping it selfish because I also think that in a lot of ways its healthy for me and, for me, I keep imaging that it will be my way to live on after Im dead. I keep imagining some great grandchild reading it and feeling as if she knows me. How I wish I had something like this that belonged to my great-grandmother! What a gift that would have been!
But you know what? I just happened to think how little I would be worrying about the state of my loneliness if my husband were out of work and we were having severe money problems, unable to make ends meet and in some of the financial straits weve been in the past. The LEAST of my problems would be if I felt lonely or not.
You know, overall, Im just VERY happy. I have a good family, a good husband, a good job, a GREAT life. I think I am just, by nature, sort of a somewhat creative, but somewhat depressive person who has a trouble pocket that must always be filled and if it isnt filled with some more pressing problem ie: health, money, children issues then something else moves up to fill it. My disconnect with the world in this case.
Overall I am blessed and I think that a lot of how I feel at any given moment has to do with how I am CHOOSING to PERCEIVE things and the perspective Ive slid into. This is life and its going to be what it is, both bad and good. I can choose to focus on whatever aspect I pick. Its my decision. I need to keep that in mind.