April 19, 2005

No Hope?

Tough therapy session today. It left me feeling like a total loser.
Thats not how therapy usually leaves me feeling and its nothing in
particular with this session I guess but thats how I feel right now.
We talked a little about my dad (my real biological dad) and we talked
about my book dad and I guess that sort of broke the magic. It hit home
how pathetic it is that Im writing this stupid book and making up this
stupid fictitious dad and what a loser thing that is to do. Not that my
therapist said that no, just the opposite. But when I left, I got to
thinking about it and thought about how pathetic this whole thing is.
Its pathetic when ones life is revolving around a dad who doesnt
exist and a therapist who is seen for one hour every week or two. Yet
Ive got a husband right here who thinks Im wonderful and I struggle
to figure out how to take that in and appreciate it. I dont know how
to feel emotionally intimate with a wonderful man who is available to
me. The frustration of this is so immense that I just feel desperate.
This is the first time Ive really felt close to cutting in a long
time perilously close. I didnt and I dont think I will because then
Ill feel like a total hypocrite in here telling other people not to do
it, but I just have that overwhelming hatred for myself and that
frustration like when will I EVER grow up and just get OVER myself?
When will I stop being my own worst enemy and move on? I stand outside
of myself and look in and think two things first, why do I have such a
pathetic need to be special to people and second whats wrong with me
that Im not. Do you see what a losing proposition that is? No one can
be special to everyone but when Im special to someone I end up feeling
as if there must be something wrong with them if they think Im special
because no one who is really terrific could ever think Im special. You
can never win if you think this way and the scary thing is, I know Im
not the only one who thinks this way. Is there no hope for us?

silent ghost

April 20, 2005

i can promise you on any ones life. this book u r doing is not pathetic. my counciller means soo much to me. n urs means alot to u because hes helped u threw rough times some times more than others. im begging u not to cut. dnt do it one cut can start the craze of more cuts. i promise u i love u to peices. and u r not pathetic. muthet is totaly something id read in life.

Tinkymamma

*hugs*

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE REPLY TO MY TEACHER TEACHER EMAIL

Number6

There’s plenty of hope for you – look how far you’ve come – so glad you didn’t cut and remember I’m here for you always because you ARE special to me.

Andaluna

I hate therapy. lol

lilmissaj81

thanks for the notes. wow that is a lot to lose. fi i lost 105 lbs.. i’d weigh nothing! lol. gtg i have a lot of hwk tonite

WhippedSilk

I pray that you fight that urge to cut. You are NOT pathetic. I admire you and all that you do. Just look at yourself…you have 2 jobs and take care of your family and home. You take the time to spend with your Mother quite often too. You should be proud of all that. Gentle hugs~~~

Penny_Dreadful

Sometimes I think I ought to pay you for being my therapist, lol. You might have something on the whole Aaron thing. I’ll think about it. Maybe I’m being too nonchalant about things. Maybe I ought to tell him I love him…more. Or something.

Read your entry again…I think you are wonderful:) You are a very special, loving and talented woman, and I would be very proud to call you my mother! 🙂

hopeful1

Very harsh words. Why are you so hard on yourself? It hurts me to see you have pain that would make you want to cut yourself. As you already figured out, it will not help. Temporarly it will, sure, but think about the permanant. You are NOT a loser, absoultely not. I know when you feel that way it is hard to think differently. I know because I have have many moments like that as well. It is hard

hard to see the positive. I have been reading your book and I was so impressed. It is wonderful. I mean, maybe I am biased, but I SWEAR it is so good. Some of the words you use to describe a scene you are tring to capture are so perfectly vivid and poetic. One sentence I read actually gave me the chills. I mean it! Please, don’t think you are pathetic, we are ALL pathetic in our own ways, you

The Cow Goes Mooooo

You are very special. Sometimes, you are my reason for smiling. There is nothing wrong with writing about a dad that you had wished that you had. I replay parts of my childhood and insert whatever imaginary memory that would make me happiest. The imagination is the minds way of healing some of the wrongs in life. In your mind, you can make anything better.That is OK to do. Love the mad cow

The Disguised Pirate

I find it hard to connect emotionally to men, also. I’m not sure why. I think perhaps it’s important for you to have him take care of you. To the point where you HAVE to trust him, Eryssa.

your book is not pathetic-I’d be the first to let you know as I love to read….I am soooooo critical, but it’s good what you’re writing. It seems sooooo real and magical like you said. Don’t feel bad about writing it, and like number6 said look how far you’ve come in life! don’t give up hope…if you give up hope then what do you have left? Liz