Anger and Restlessness

Anger is a funny thing.  It isn’t really real, it’s masking something else, something that makes us vulnerable.  We use anger to either keep us from getting hurt or to keep us from being vulnerable.  It’s basically a coping mechanism.  I’m tired of it though, I’m tired of being angry.  I’m tired of not being able to move on.  I’m tired of fulfilling the things that have been asked of me – this is not my assessment, I’ve been told by multiple people that I am fulfilling what has been asked of me.  However, what I have asked for in return isn’t being fulfilled.  Not even close.  We talked about this over and over, it’s been “acknowledged” repeatedly, yet nothing ever changes.  When we talk about it, I’m the asshole, I’m at fault.  This just further increases my anger.  Well, to be fair it isn’t always anger.  I mix in healthy doses of depression and paranoia too.  But the anger is what keeps me up at night.  I just can’t stop thinking about things.

Maybe I should see if there is a boxing gym/club in my area.  Either punching or getting punch sounds great right now.  That’s my plan, to get punched in the mouth – so it’s like Mike Tyson said, “everybody has a plan until they get punched in the mouth… then they have a completed plan.”  Ok, so maybe that isn’t exactly what he said.

I’m too tired to keep my eyes open, but as soon as I close them my mind is racing again.  <insert repeated angry face>  I feel like talking is helpful and a complete waste of time all at the same time.  I’m tired of talking in circles too.  I need a goal to aim for.  I need a direction to go.  It might also help if I knew where the hell I was too.  Hopefully something will either happen by Tuesday or something will happen on Tuesday.  That seems like forever away though.  I dunno.  Sitting and waiting seems pointless, but initiating anything has only ended with disastrous results time and time again.

I guess I’ll just prepared myself to be shit on all over again tomorrow and continue to not make any progress.