I Don’t Know What To Do

We’ve been talking for weeks, months really, about how to improve our relationship.  We aren’t really even dealing with multiple issues either – currently each of us has one point we want to see the other recognize and honor.  I’ve been asked not to yell.  My commitment to this and adhering to this has been acknowledged and recognized multiple times by both the therapist and her.  I am actively achieving this goal.  In return I have asked that she be more open with me, truthful if we’re being honest.  No more half truths, no more holding things back.  If you don’t want to do something, then say so.  If you do want to do something, then say so.  Things like that.  In a one on one conversation this morning, I gave further details/example as to what I am looking for because I wasn’t sure she understood.  As an example, I said, “If you know in the future (later that day) you’re going to choose either option A or option B, but you aren’t sure which, that is fine, at least tell me these are your options so I can be prepared for either scenario instead of being hit with something I am totally unaware of.”  She confirms that she understands this and will work on that.  We talked for a few minutes longer before she had to leave.

Upon her departure, she came over and initiated a hug with me – not only can I not tell you the last time we hugged, I can’t tell you the last time she initiated anything close to that.  During the hug she licked my face (to be silly) and then kissed me – again her doing.  I took this as good signs as I don’t know how long it’s been since either of us have been in a playful mood around each other.  Maybe we are making progress, maybe we are moving forward.  After the hug she grabbed a few personal items she hadn’t entered the house with, which was a little odd I thought, but not that big of deal, and left.  Later today, I get a text saying she isn’t coming home tonight.  WTF!  Literally, what the fuck???  We had just had a conversation with a detailed example of this very thing.  That’s why she was grabbing her personal items, she had, at a minimum, already been thinking about it before she left the house and couldn’t tell me before leaving or even in a text just after leaving.

It’s this kind of rejection that I have pointed out ad nauseum that I do not like.  This is the kind of honest I am looking for.  Yet still, minutes after having a conversation about this very thing…  nothing.  Not a ga’ damn thing.  The irony of it too is that after being rejected like this is when I yell – what she has asked me not to do.  While I have made efforts to correct that behavior, she absolutely holds a set of keys to it and she repeatedly does it over and over again.

I don’t know what to do anymore.  Again, in our last meeting with the therapist, the therapist repeatedly said throughout the session – You and I are both seeing and acknowledging the efforts and improvements hermanpants has made to meet your request, what have you done to meet his?  Crickets…  Every single time the therapist asked this… nothing.  Finally she was asked if she could work on meeting me halfway.  She said yes – and what a lie that was.  Fucking liar.

I don’t know what to do.