A monster like me

I am a monster.

I always talk about finding a girlfriend, about having friends, about having a lover to share intimacy and to have sex with. None of the above is really important to me. The real fantasies I have in my mind are profoundly different.

When I was born, I was born a killer. I dream of killing someone, maybe justly, maybe not. I could never stand someone cuddling me, or a woman taking me in her arms, or kissing me ever again. Notice, I like the thought if being sweetly kissed, I just could never stand it in reality. The only way I can demonstrate my affection is through giving pain. Every time I like someone, as a friend or as a lover, I dream of giving pain, may it be through cutting or burning or whatever. I miss cutting, these days more than ever before. Self-harm is my only way to love myself. It was my way to take care of myself, to give myself the awareness I needed to be sure to be alive.

I am not a sadist, I do not want to take someone at random and inflict pain. I do not want to take someone at random and kill him/her. I am fully in control, just the need is strong, the urge is strong, and I suffer. I would need a “victim”, but I perfectly know that this is not allowed by the law. And also, I am religious and I would never take a life that God has given. I respect my neighbour. However, the fact that I know that I am not allowed to damage anybody does not mean that the desire to do so diminishes automatically.

Today I have been in a church, and I prayed. I would like to be free from violence. Only the one who is free from violence is really free. I am full of aggressions, I am full of rage, full of desires of revenge towards an unknown enemy. I have the strong desire to see blood, may it be mine or the one of someone else. This would be my sign of love and affection, even if I do not think that many would share my point of view. And this makes me lonely. I am lonely, in my world. In this world I have no place to go or to stay, everything I do is deviant. I do not fit in.

I am a monster, I know it.

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July 10, 2018

Not to be flippant, but god made bottoms and BDSM for these urges. Consent=everything

July 10, 2018

I am scared -of everything and Haloperidol right now is making me feel worse. I still don’t have a diagnosis Apart from potential PPD and SPD.   6 hrs till I see the woman Dr Maybe now I will find out more No desire to live and yes I want to destroy somethingor someone. The rage is horrible.Thank you for your prayers I accept them and I need them.I will update when I can either later today or tomorrow if they don’t hospitalise me

July 10, 2018

@truthseeker1 I am waiting for your update, I am worried for you… try to stay out of hospital. I really do pray for you. Please let me know, even via email. You have it. take care

July 10, 2018

My love “The Man” is like you. He dreams of my blood and screams and anguish. He stays 200 miles away so he does not actually hurt me. But he tells me of his desires. You aren’t alone. And you are hardly a monster.

July 10, 2018

@snarkle Maybe it is better he stays so far away, it is really dangerous what could happen if he could really do what he desires to do? What do you find so attractive in The Man, if I may ask? xxxx Thank you for your support

July 10, 2018

@hiddencobra_1 Honestly? I am not sure. I fell for him the instant we met 27 years ago. I had no clue about his desires then. I doubt he’d act on it or he’d have worked  harder to see me. No. He understands his desires are wrong and does what he can to keep me safe. Says that just like you, he has a conscience.