In reply

Again, sitting in the dark and updating this daily report of my life while my mother is sleeping in front of some silly talk show on television. I would like to focus on some notes I got on my last entry, which gave me food for thoughts. Of course, even if I never mention it, I am grateful to everyone who reads my entries and takes time to stop by and leave some support.

I write in the dark of my room, pretending to be asleep, because my mother does not tolerate some behaviour I show sometimes and she thinks it is offensive towards her. I am not allowed to use social media in her presence, or to make phone calls in her presence, unless it is in her interest or the phone call is to a doctor, but in the second case I need a reasonable excuse. I am not allowed to take appointments with friends or with my therapist if she has something else in program for me, may it be something as silly as taking her to the hairdresser. I am not allowed to go to University when she has doctor appointments, in this case I have to escort her and skip lectures. I am not allowed to watch television before I have served dinner or lunch and before I have washed the dishes and everything is tidy. I am not allowed to study before I have cleaned my flat and her flat. And so on. I am in a prison, and the situation has worsened since I have my Bachelor. I sometimes even thought that I could also kill her, and be imprisoned, and that would be the same. I would maybe even enjoy more freedom in jail. The logical question now is: why do I not rebel? Good question, but the answer is not easy to find. I still hope to be loved one day. She is still my mother. I hate her and I love her at the same time. Odi et amo, quare id facias, fortasse requiris; nescio, sed fieri sentior, et excrucior.

I do not believe in a literary interpretation of the Bible. I do not even know all of the Bible. I have read the whole New Testament and parts of the Old Testament, I practice Catholicism but not in all its parts. For example, I never go to Confession. I never go to Church on Sundays. There was a time I attended Church with a friend, and it was quite extreme. For example, I could have never said I am homosexual. And for a while I thought to be in error, I thought there must be something wrong with me since I liked women and this was considered a sin. After a while, I stopped attending that Church (it was a protestant Church, so not even really my faith) and started questioning their beliefs. I am a Catholic, but I do not have anything to share with the Catholic Church. I do not like its priests, its rituals, its false poverty, and the Pope. I am devoted to Jesus Christ and not to all that crap humans invented to have power on the people. I see the life of Jesus as an allegory of human life: a man, son of God and of a Virgin, who came to save us, and died for us leaving a message of love for humanity. But this is just my interpretation, and I am aware of the fact that many religions of the past have similar figures. For example, the Egyptian God Horus is often represented sitting on the lap of his mother and this is very similar to Jesus sitting on the lap of the Holy Virgin.

Maths. This is a very painful story. I took the accounting exam because it is sadly a compulsory part of my curriculum. I could not avoid this, in the same way as I could not avoid mathematics and statistics during the Bachelor. Mathematics went ok, even if with much effort. Statistics was a nightmare, and the only positive thing is that, at least, I did not have to make mental computation since computations were made by the computer programs (we used Excel and SPSS). I passed the exam, even with a 7 out of 10. Maths started ruining my life at primary school, where I could barely learn to count and to write the numbers. I have an average intelligence, I would say normal, not stupid and not a genius, so there was no reason why I was not able to learn those things. They reckoned with dyscalculia. In fact, I never ever understood anything that has to do with maths. I always learnt things by heart. And this represents a huge memory effort. I am not simply not good with numbers, the problem goes further. I expect clarifications from the neurologist who will visit me on September 24th.

By the way, I still have not got the grade of the accounting exam. I suppose this is delayed to Monday. I do not give up hopes. The solution to problems lies very often within the problems themselves, as Marshall McLuhan used to say (he said something like this). So, with a last cigarette in the dark of my garden I will end this day and be ready for enjoying the last weekend before the beginning of the new semester.