Memories of a long time ago

I was sitting here, writing my thesis, getting tired and sleepy, then I found some pictures of Simone, my first lesbian lover. Yes. I always think that I lost my virginity the first time I slept with a man, but that was just a horrible experience. I lost my virginity to beautiful Simone, one year after I started my relationship to my only boyfriend, and one year before we parted.

I got to know Simone in hospital. Kerstin, Simone and I shared the same room. Oh my, if I think that there was a time in which I shared the same room with my first lover and the woman I loved for ten years of my life I wish that that never happened, or that that would happen again, but not in hospital. Anyway, I was already flirting and getting under the influence of Kerstin as Simone and I once went out. It was for an evening, alcohol was forbidden, we got tested for alcohol and drugs as we came back to the ward. Well, we were there, waiting for the bus, and I had no idea that Simone was open to sex with women, as she told me, out of the blue, “Come on, give me a kiss”. I did not think twice. I kissed her. She kissed me. It was the best kiss ever. I still remember it, nobody never ever kissed me in that way again. She organized things for me to come to spend some time with her during the weekend, but my boyfriend was waiting for me to spend the weekend with him. I just focused on the two options. A ten-hour-train trip, fast food, terrible sex, no love or affection. Against a night with a potential new lover, a dinner with a sex bomb in an Italian restaurant and discovering gay sex. The decision was easy to take. My boyfriend surely found another woman to spend the night with, that was no problem for him. But this time I found another woman to spend the night with too.

Simone is still strongly in my memories. We took pictures of our night of passion, she was just perfect. Sexy and curvy, womanly, she wanted nothing but sex from me and it was clear from the very beginning, but this was the sweetest and hottest initiation I could ever wish. She had many lovers, men and women, and it was clear that nobody was really into her heart. She played games but she did that honestly. She never gave me the illusion that she would have been my girlfriend, but she remained open to the possibility of being my lover. Sadly, my life turned into a chaos and we never had sex again.

Simone was against the ¬†possibility of “belonging” to only one person. I met many who thought this way. She wanted to have intimacy, sex, tenderness, passion, but she wanted to close the door of her house in the evening and know it was just her home, and nobody else’s. Now I can relate. At that time, maybe, I still had the dream of having a woman that would belong to me and to whom I would belong. Nowadays I see things differently. Nowadays it would work perfectly to have a lover, without her being “mine” and me being “hers”. This attitude of making property of a person is simply wrong and a cultural mistake. Marriage would work only in a society in which the man owned the woman and she was made to serve him and he could do whatever he pleased. I am personally against marriage, even if I do not judge the ones who choose to marry; just I do not relate to the “This is my man” or “This is my woman” attitude. Everybody belongs only to one person, him/herself.

With that being said, I go to bed for today.

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April 19, 2019

Marriage was originally a property settlement between one family and another. The bride was the token of that settlement. She was considered property until the late 1800s here. She was simply something the man owned. I’m all for commitment… but… the rest is overrated.

April 19, 2019

Hmmm…what an interesting take on marriage…I have always felt that I belonged to my wife, ¬†and she belonged to me, but only so much as I belonged to her…that is to say…I have lived the past 26 years trying to do right by her…that marriages only worked if each treated the other as sacred and “on a pedestal”…though recently I remarked to a coworker (who I have since fallen in love with and she doesn’t know it) that I would never remarry if something were to happen to her…

I am not a good person to ask about relationships though as my whole experience has been totally borked…

but like you…I want to love..and be loved…

Love your writing!

-BFA