Normalos helping normalos

So, I think it is time to talk about a disappointment that stroke me a couple of weeks ago. I already mentioned it, but I need to vent off some frustration and some (justified) grudge I bear towards some people.

Professor Gabriel (nickname) has been the one with whom I wrote my Bachelor thesis. It was hard work. I devoted many hours and sleepless nights to that thesis, I wanted to do a good job because I love doing research and I felt I could deliver something of good quality. It was so. I got a 10. Some other Professors read my thesis – apart from the co-examiner of course, who had to judge it together with Professor Gabriel – and I got a fabulous feedback. I do not want to sound arrogant, but I know when something is of value. I deserved the good result.

Doctor Ben (yes, nickname, and bear in mind: she is a woman), is nice, beautiful, quite open-minded, and apparently friendly. I followed some of her lectures, she is very good as long as she does not have to lecture in English. She simply has no command of the language, which is kind of disqualifying for a University lecturer. When she has a project, she delegates it to her students. So, I happened to be involved in a social media management project for which I am still waiting for an attest, just because I was attending her course. I happened to be involved in another project I could and I did not want to refuse to be part of, because I thought it would be useful for a future career. My colleagues and I were supposed to be paid in July 2017, and got our salary in January 2018. Doctor Ben is really nice and funny, but inconclusive. Whatever she undertakes never gets to an end. And everything has to be done by her students, who have to change things thousand times – may they be Facebook posts, or pictures, or even music videoclips (!) – because she realises that something is wrong, and she realises it when the deadline for doing those things is scarily approaching… so that, mostly, things are done in a hurry.

Professor Gabriel and Doctor Ben offered Ely to write a PhD with them. Professor Gabriel always felt very flattered by the fact that Ely was in love with him, at least very manifestly for the first 2 years of our Bachelor. He is very young, just one year older than me. And he thinks he is very sexy, one of those latin lovers who are accustomed to compliments. He is married, but his marriage is a joke. Regularly, he takes part to students’ parties and flirts with young attractive students, embarrassing everybody because many of the girls he flirts with happen to have exams with him a couple of weeks later. That is the kind of person we are talking about.

So, you might ask: why the hell did I get involved in writing my thesis with such a guy. Because he taught the right stuff, and I was interested in writing my thesis on that topic. I thought that at least in his professional life he would be serious, and not prefer Ely (who had a 9.5 in her thesis) just because he is flattered by the fact that she finds him the most attractive man on earth.

Ely is a good student. Better than me. She has better grades. I am also good, she is better. I want to believe that they chose her because of this reason, because they looked at the overall performance and not just the performance in the media-topics.

The difference between Ely and me is that she is lucky, while I am a warrior. She has a loving family, she does not have any problem, she has a straight and simple life, she has good health, no financial troubles, and the most terrible thing that ever happened in her life was the death of her cat. She was sad for 2 weeks because her cat died. Oh, dear Ely. I have a mother who wishes I was never born, I am blessed with schizophrenia and grew up in hate and isolation. I started self-harming with 13 after a childhood of repression and with 20 I landed in a psychiatric hospital where I remained until my 30’s. I was sectioned and isolated. I attempted suicide 3 times. I will never be able to live without medicines again, or I will turn psychotic. I wanted my Bachelor more than anything else, and I managed to have it because I know what it means to fight for something. This is my soul, and I will have my revenge.

With that being said, I now conclude saying that I bear a grudge towards Professor Gabriel and Doctor Ben. Maybe because they gave me the illusion they would have given a future to me as well. I do not know. If I had a grain of esteem for them, it is all gone. They are not warriors. They had a simple life, just like Ely’s life. Lucky people helping other lucky people. Normalos helping normalos. Normalos have been my problem all my life long. I do not have anything close to normal. My mind is not normal, my sexuality is not straight, my taste is spicy. Always rejected, but I am still here. Because while normalos, when rejected, die, warriors get stronger and survive.

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