I have been working at my thesis until now. I just need two minutes to slow down my thoughts before I go to bed. I am not sure the full cup of coffee I have beside my computer will be helpful in finding sleep tonight, but I guess my medication will do a great job in kicking me into a deep, quiet night. I sleep alone, so no need to adapt to someone else’s needs. That is the advantage of being single. You go to sleep whenever you want, however you want, you switch off the light whenever you want, and you do not share your bed with a stranger’s body. Maybe I say so because the body beside mine in a bed was always the body of a stranger. But I doubt I will ever consider someone else’s body as familiar. I have issues with my own body, I consider it horrible. I like my face and my eyes, but I dislike the shape of my body. I have been raised as a catholic, so you can guess I am ashamed of my body; the body is the place of the original sin and other similar absurdities. I am no longer a catholic, but still this way of thinking is deeply rooted inside myself and I am ashamed of having curves, breasts, shortly, of having signs that might be sexually appealing. When I see an attractive woman I look in the first place at her face, but I do not dislike if she has prosperous breasts and curves. The sound of her voice is important – sue me, I once renounced to get deeper in an acquaintance because I disliked the sound of her voice. But the first glance goes also to curves, breasts, moves, smile and the shape of the lips. Denying sexuality will lead me nowhere apart from church, and I can assure you that I do not have the desire to step inside a church at the moment.
I was taught that nobody has the right to tempt God and ask for things in a way as to make him prove you he exists. One should have faith and believe, whatever happens. So if everything goes wrong (which is not my case, luckily), one should still believe that God loves him or her. I ask myself why not ask God for an evidence of his existence, why should he fear it. I am still bound to the myth of Jesus, because he was on the cross and God had the indifference to abandon him there. Had he been Jesus’ father, he would have sent armies of angels to take him down and make him rule the world. Not for power or glory, but for justice, truth and order, and for love to mankind. God does not love us, and the evidence is the fact that he let his son die in misery, in the same way as millions of human die in misery every single day. This is the only evidence we have from God. And decades of wars because of religious matters. Violence, humiliation, discrimination, hate, incomprehension. Because we believe in different forms of a God who does not even care.
I want to tempt God. Give me the love of a human being, and I will never ever again doubt of your existence as a loving goddess. I am human. My faith is weak. I ask for someone, in my daily life, who loves me. For the very first time. I suppose I am praying to a divinity I do not really believe in. Time to go to bed.