Sleep deprivation

I am sitting here, at work, it is lunch break. I am alone today, nobody else here. In the last couple of days I have been feeling utterly tired. Just as if I could not focus on my work, on my tasks, on my chores; the only thing I enjoyed was sleeping. I am working 130%, so I guess I am expecting too much from myself. Tomorrow I see Doctor Livio, after a long while without sessions. I had to find time for this one.

The alternative now would be taking a nap. Yes, a nap. It would not be the first time I take a nap during lunch break when I am here alone. Twenty minutes, just the time to close my eyes and let my phone wake me up when the time is over. I do not think that my coworkers know about this habit of mine, since, obviously, I do not do it when they are here. When I have company, we chat a little and drink a coffee after lunch. But I crave for that little sleep break.

My parents claim that I am depressed. I am not. I need to be careful not to end in burn out, but I am not particularly depressed in these days. I am depressive as a trait of my personality, in the same way as I am schizophrenic and that will always be. My mother has this misconception of depression as if this was unhappiness, or sadness. She is repeating me all the time that things are going well for me at present, that I have nothing to complain about, so why are you not happy, daughter. Well, that has nothing to do with that. Depression is more a lack of energy or a need to do nothing else than staring at the wall. So, I do not really feel like it, I am just overwhelmed with things to do and I barely find time to get a decent amount of sleep at night. No wonder I have no energy. This is not depression, it is rather sleep deprivation with consequent apathy.

With that being said, I go back to work.

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April 19, 2019

Rest this weekend if you can! Don’t drive yourself into the ground! You matter to me!