My mother is causing me so much pain. She is accusing me all the time to be lazy, she insults me, and she alleges that every time I see a “cock”, I lose all my decency. As if I were into “cocks”. I am a lesbian, damn it. She wants to say I am a sort of bitch, easy to have, but actually I have not had sex in ages. Today I had the gut to reply “Do you really think that if I had someone who loves me I would be here with you insulting me instead of being somewhere else with him?”. I told “him” instead of “her” just not to mention I would like this person to be a woman. My mother laughed at me. She will regret it someday, in the end she has the hate of her only daughter. I damn her by all Gods, and I do not even know anymore in what I should believe.
There is a little truth in everything. I believe in Jesus Christ, He is my God. At the same time, I do not feel sure to exclude the presence of other forces, especially forces of the evil, very strong ones. From my point of view, religions in general have always been something negative. In the name of God people get killed and tortured. The only message of peace, love, charity, forgiveness came explicitly from Jesus. Not from all Churches that were developed after Him. That is all rubbish in my eyes. A person such as my mother is completely possessed by the forces of evil. And she was raised as a catholic.
I try to find my truth. I am confronted with Dani, whose girlfriend is a pagan. She is not wrong, not at all. There are many forces, and none of them is almighty. Why would an almighty God leave His only Son die on the Cross? No, Jesus was a martyr, He died because He refused to give up His message. God abandoned Him either because He did not care or because He could not do anything to save Him. Dani and his girlfriend pray to Odin and Thor, and they feel well in this. Much better than I can feel praying to a Christian almighty God. I do not believe in a monotheistic figure. And if I look around in the spaces where I live, I notice that I do not have Christian symbols, but pagan ones. I have a Bastet, a Nefertiti, a Sphinx. I had three small pyramids with the earth of Egypt. I think I might turn into some sort of pagan believer, with the strong belief that Jesus Christ is the central figure, a martyr, a prophet, the Son of the Spirit of life and of the Virgin earth, which is in short human mortal life. Jesus was betrayed by His friends, He was tortured because of His beliefs and opinions, He was an ancient case of counterculture. The one Who moved against the mainstream. That should be the model to all of us. He did not obey. He did not care to contradict priests and kings. He died with honour.
Enough, I will rest on this and think about it tomorrow. I am just confused, and in strong need to have something and someone to believe in. Someone to think about every time I hear myself insulted for the umpteenth time.