It has been a rough week with my anxiety. It’s been so bad lately, and honestly I don’t know what’s brought it on. Yesterday, I almost had a full on panic attack in front of my man. Somehow he brought me out of it and calmed me down, but dammit, I did not want him to see me like that. Though, I guess he should probably get used to it if he’s going to stick around. Luckily, it doesn’t happen often, especially out of the blue like that. Still, we’ve only been dating for 5 almost 6 weeks now. I was quite mortified. After I was finally calmed down, he just held me. Do you know what, Diary? That’s the safest I’ve felt in quite a long time. Just sitting in his comforting arms, listening to his breathing and his heartbeat. How did I get so lucky with such a kind, caring, and patient man? I do think part of my problem is him leaving for a work thing today. He’s going to be gone for a week. I know that it’s only for a week, but since we’ve started dating we’ve seen each other at least 2 or 3 times a week. So, not seeing him for a whole week will be hard! He left this morning and I miss him already. And, I am sad because it’s also his birthday and we couldn’t do anything today to celebrate. I have come up with a plan to cook him his favorite dinner when he comes back though. However, I am not that great of a cook. He chose garlic chicken and asparagus. I’ve never had asparagus, let alone cooked it. I have my work cut out for me. Since I don’t have much going on this weekend, I think I will experiment with both the chicken and the asparagus dishes. I just hope I can make a satisfactory meal for him. That’s the least I could do for him anyway. Wish me luck!
I think another part of my anxiety issues this week is in part to me composing a forgiveness letter to my boogeyman of the past. It’s time to forgive him so he can release whatever hold he still has on me and so I can finally move on, move forward, and reach my potential. Diary, this is definitely one of hardest letters I will ever write in my life, and mostly because I know he is not sorry for the hell he put me through as a child. Did I tell you I came face to face with him 2 years ago, Diary? He ruined another little girls life. The detective of the case sought me out and practically begged me to testify against him in court. Relive my nightmare. I was so reluctant at first, but I couldn’t stop thinking of that poor little girl and all the other girls that he probably ruined or may ruin in the future. So, I faced him in court. Relived my nightmare to a courtroom of strangers, to him, to his parents (who still, after all these years, still find him innocent). I tried to be strong, but I broke down on the stand. He received life in prison. I hope every day is a fresh hell for him in prison.
Anyway, I am off to research some recipes for my man. I really hope I can pull this dinner off for him. I want it to be special, because he’s special to me.