Forgiveness Is Not Easy

Dear Diary,

So much on my mind lately. One of the biggest things is working on forgiveness. How do you forgive someone that isn’t even sorry for what they have done to you? I know that to forgive is to free yourself, but I just cannot bring myself to forgive this one person. This person has caused me so much pain and suffering for most of my life, and isn’t even sorry. How can I forgive him? How? I had to come face to face with him 2 years ago for the first time in about 20 years and he DENIED doing what he did to me. No one believes him though. He’s now sitting in prison with a life sentence with no chance of parole because he fucked up another little girl’s life. Like me, she will endure the emotional scars he left behind. She’ll endure a life full of anxiety and depression. She’ll endure a life of hopelessness, unworthiness, and low self-esteem. She’ll be full of self doubt and self loathing. He did this to her. He did this to me. And yet, I need to forgive him so I can break free from him. But, again, how do I forgive someone that isn’t even sorry for what they did? I just can’t bring myself to do it, even though it’s for me. I started to compose a letter to him. I don’t know if I will ever send it to him if I am ever able to forgive him. I don’t know if I can bring myself to send it, but just to have it written down might be enough for me and my mind. 

On a more lighter note, I am pretty excited to go see my first favorite boy band on Thursday–New Kids On The Block! I am super excited. I fell in love with them in the early 90’s. One of my first celebrity crushes was on Donnie Wahlberg. I used to envision that it was me Donnie was singing Cover Girl about haha. I never thought I’d be in my 30’s and be super psyched to see them, but here I am. We have some pretty good seats as well, which will make the experience all the more amazing! This will definitely be a much needed day to take my things off of things. 

The man just got back from a week away. I get to see him tomorrow and I am super excited to see him. I’ve missed him. I didn’t get to celebrate his birthday with him because he was away, but I plan on making him dinner. I’m not the greatest cook in the world, but I am going to try and knock his socks off with what I cook. Wish me luck! 

Anyway, I am off to prep for tomorrow. Bye for now Diary!

Your Friend, 

That Girl

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June 8, 2019

I can relate here 100% So I feel compelled, or perhaps, drawn to give you my thoughts. To forgive really does set you free. I had to do it myself. I had to forgive somebody who destroyed me in every way a man could destroy a woman … it took me years to get to the right place to do so. To finally be set free, I first came to understand that I was looking for something from someone who simply does not have it. He did not have the capability to own up to it nor did he have the mental capacity to understand how it would also free him in other ways. After I made this revelation, I did cord cutting techniques with energy work; it took roughly 2 weeks of repeated cord cutting, I even sent him healing through the severed cord until finally, I awoke and I felt lighter, happier and more in tact but most of all, free. With that said, I can never tell you what to do but that you will know when you are ready to finally do this as it is different for each of us. Letting go and no longer holding on to what did happen has opened so many new doors for me. In a sense, I finally moved out of my own way. Yes, it happened. Yes, it hurt, and yes it was traumatic, but I told myself “it does not have to follow me forward either.” When you are ready, you will do it. May this reach you in love and light.

June 29, 2019

@sheofthestars Thank you so much for sharing your story! I am so glad you have been able to forgive and to be set free. I still have a long way to go, but I have taken some baby steps in the direction I need to go. I know I can’t continue to let the past get in the way of my present and my future. I am so sick of hindering myself from my potential due to my past trauma. I want to be a more strong and more confident woman. That is the ultimate goal. I feel that every day gets better with my new outlook and new goals. I will continue taking the steps I am taking and I know eventually it will get easier.

June 8, 2019

This is something I think about often. My sister/best friend for my whole life did really terrible things right before I got married. I forgive her for those things, but not for destroying our lifelong friendship, for shutting me out, for no apparent reason. The road to forgiveness isn’t easy, and I can’t say I’m all the way there yet. I don’t think it happens overnight. One thing I have found helpful is practicing “feeling nothing.” When I think of her, instead of getting all mad in my head or upset, I practice feeling nothing. Just neutral feelings. When you can do that more regularly, I think it’ll make it easier to approach forgiveness without all the other baggage. Best to you <3

June 29, 2019

@thegirlnextdoor I am so sorry to hear that your sister/best friend did terrible things. I couldn’t imagine what you’re going through. Being betrayed by someone you love and trust completely is one of the worst things in the world. For me, forgiveness has never been easy, but for the one person I’m trying to forgive to be set from from, well it’s taken me over 20 years to even think about the possibility of forgiving him. It’s taken me about 2 years now to even start the forgiveness letter I’ve decided to write. I’ve only written one paragraph so far. Feeling nothing for this person is so hard. He has had such an impact on my life that it’s hard not to get worked up. In fact, I nearly went into a panic attack recently because I saw his brother at the store. His brother. I was so caught off guard though, so maybe that’s what it was. But I’m trying my hardest to get past my past. I’m so sick of being hindered from it. I can’t let the past define me. I can’t let it win.

Anyway, thank you so much for your words. And I wish you the best as well! 🙂

June 9, 2019

I don’t think forgiveness is all it’s cracked up to be, especially in this situation where the person does not seek it. I think forgiving “for one’s self” is a method of self-help that is just a talisman that helps one to move on…and I’m not being critical of anyone doing so for their on peace-of-mind. The letter idea is a good one, whether you send it or not. Psychologists often suggest that in cases where one has been wronged and has little-to-no recourse.

June 29, 2019

@solovoice I feel forgiving this individual will help me. Or maybe it’s a pipe dream. I don’t know. I just want a peace of mind and will try to do anything for it. Most people I have talked to that have forgiven someone, whether or not the person seeks it, have felt liberated. If I can feel even just a little liberated from the act of forgiveness from this monster, then I feel as if I win my life back. Here’s to hoping anyway. 🙂