these nightmares break me more every night

God this is new :/ I’m not used to opening up to anything, and just letting everything inside of me build until I breakdown completely. Well I’m going to start with how I feel. Right now, I feel like total shit. I feel played. I feel hurt. I feel used. There’s so many feelings and I can’t find words for them. The closest is broken and full of despair. right now, I can’t get her off of my head. She’s why I feel like this right now. I don’t understand why I can’t just let her go. I can still hear her say “gino I hate you”… Its playing like a broken record right now. I can even remember her tears as she said it. that night, was terrible.. I relive it every night and I guess right now happens to be my time. I remember being told to kill myself. And for her.. I would give my very soul so that she could smile. Nd when the order came, to make her happy, I made the slit.. I sent her tje picture and then proceeded to black out and lose consciousness. I remember walking the line of death so well. It was wierd. Like, I was just walking at night, everything grayed, but there were no stars.. It was terrible.. I was.. Alone.. And I knew it. I thought I was gone forever. So I sat down and cried. I fell Asleep and woke up all covered in blood and I heard laughter. But then, I heard my phone go off oddly, so I reached in my pocket.. And pulled it out, and alls I heard was her scream gino I didn’t mean it and her tears… God it was terrible.. She said she wanted me to live.. And idk. I sort of Snapped back into reality, away from tje world between life and death, and focused in stopping her tears. Noones tears have ever made me that broken.. But I couldn’t stop hers.. So I told her nonstop that everything would be fine.. And I saw blood everywhere and my knife laying next to me. I stumbled to the mirror and saw myself. I was so pale. I looked like I would fit in in the half world.. And it scared me.. I begun to cry and told her I had to go and to stop worrying and get some sleep. God.. I may say death doesn’t scare me… But truth is… This night made me realize deaths true colors.. And it terrified me. I still dream of this every nigjt. Its my neverending nightmare.. And its why I don’t sleep much anymore. I always wake up bawling, covered in sweat, and breathing badly and launching myself into a panic attacl when I wake up. After that its just my numbness that kicks in.. The sweet numbness helps so much and I’m waiting for its soothing embrace right now. I need it. I need it NOW. Here comes tje panic attack. Ah much better. Now time for my fake smile and some good food. Ill make another entry in a bit, I just had to get my nightmare out of my system.. Ta take

Gino

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Oh God, I’m so sorry. I can totally sympathize with the nightmares…if you ever need to talk I’ll listen. Anyway, good luck with everything 🙂