BPD diagnosis

When I first moved here, I fought with depression for the first time. I didn’t see my previous highs and lows as an issue since they were brushed off as “hormones” by my family.  I didn’t understand why I was depressed, so I started seeing a therapist. I went for months. I talked and talked. I said all the things I felt I needed to say- absent biological father, several addicted family members, bullies in school, etc., thinking that had to be the root of it all.

This is when I was diagnosed with BPD, borderline personality disorder. I didn’t know anything about BPD at the time. I didn’t research. She gave me a paper showing what “symptoms” I could expect, and how to handle it. She gave it to me with a paper showing how to handle my co-dependent personality. I wasn’t ready to see that maybe there wasn’t some key to my issues; maybe it was/is larger than just one big thing.

So. The first time I paid attention to my diagnosis was when Jodie Arias was on trial. My first common diagnosis- a cold-blooded murder. So the research begins, as the symptoms worsen. So. Do I have symptoms or am I thriving off of what I read? All I know, is things are worse than they were way back then.

I have been on medication. I hate being a zombie.  I was dry and enable to experience highs and lows in any sense. I don’t want to always be low, or too high, but I know those emotions exist in normal human waves. You can’t flatline through life.


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January 6, 2019

Medication is tricky. My doctor and I talk about the intended goal pretty often, and while we often debate on medication, we’re both in agreement in that we’re trying to stop extreme highs (which can lead to unhealthy amounts of energy/behavior) or extreme lows (severe depression and inability to function). If our condition was to look like a line graph, the goal would be to be a steady wiggle instead of sharp dives and rapid climbs. It’s tricky. I don’t respond well to antidepressants for the most part–but I also have never felt like a zombie (with the exception of one), so it’s hard to relate. But I do know that I’m about as stable as I’ve ever been on what I’m currently taking (mood stabilizer/anti convulsant). I wish you luck. This journey in life tends to be a long one.

January 6, 2019

a little length but a very interesting article