When I first moved here, I fought with depression for the first time. I didn’t see my previous highs and lows as an issue since they were brushed off as “hormones” by my family. I didn’t understand why I was depressed, so I started seeing a therapist. I went for months. I talked and talked. I said all the things I felt I needed to say- absent biological father, several addicted family members, bullies in school, etc., thinking that had to be the root of it all.
This is when I was diagnosed with BPD, borderline personality disorder. I didn’t know anything about BPD at the time. I didn’t research. She gave me a paper showing what “symptoms” I could expect, and how to handle it. She gave it to me with a paper showing how to handle my co-dependent personality. I wasn’t ready to see that maybe there wasn’t some key to my issues; maybe it was/is larger than just one big thing.
So. The first time I paid attention to my diagnosis was when Jodie Arias was on trial. My first common diagnosis- a cold-blooded murder. So the research begins, as the symptoms worsen. So. Do I have symptoms or am I thriving off of what I read? All I know, is things are worse than they were way back then.
I have been on medication. I hate being a zombie. I was dry and enable to experience highs and lows in any sense. I don’t want to always be low, or too high, but I know those emotions exist in normal human waves. You can’t flatline through life.