I needed to see the name of this without knowing I needed to see it. I’ve never seen myself as suicidal. I never attempted suicide. I’ve never even attempted to plan suicide.
But. There are these nagging thoughts. These times where I have this little voice in my head that says “Well, you could just kill yourself” or “Why can’t someone just run their red light while I drive through this intersection”. Passive suicidal ideation, according to http://www.verywellmind.com, occurs when you wish were dead or that you could die, but you don’t actually have any plans to commit suicide. It stems from my anxiety, depression, and BPD.
Reasons these thoughts have appeared lately:
- A hangover
- I let a woman honking her horn at me in traffic cause me to lose my temper
- A co-worker called me loud
- Another co-worker, in an attempt to calm me down from the previous co-worker’s statement, told me I should be on medication
- A joke I posted in a group chat didn’t get a response
- I found out I won’t be able to take a day off that I asked for
This week was a little more sensitive than some. Some weeks are better than others. But it’s there. Just a voice. Nothing I’ll ever act on. Just glad that I finally know what it’s called.