Passive suicidal ideation
I needed to see the name of this without knowing I needed to see it. I’ve never seen myself as suicidal. I never attempted suicide. I’ve never even attempted to plan suicide.
But. There are these nagging thoughts. These times where I have this little voice in my head that says “Well, you could just kill yourself” or “Why can’t someone just run their red light while I drive through this intersection”. Passive suicidal ideation, according to http://www.verywellmind.com, occurs when you wish were dead or that you could die, but you don’t actually have any plans to commit suicide. It stems from my anxiety, depression, and BPD.
Reasons these thoughts have appeared lately:
- A hangover
- I let a woman honking her horn at me in traffic cause me to lose my temper
- A co-worker called me loud
- Another co-worker, in an attempt to calm me down from the previous co-worker’s statement, told me I should be on medication
- A joke I posted in a group chat didn’t get a response
- I found out I won’t be able to take a day off that I asked for
This week was a little more sensitive than some. Some weeks are better than others. But it’s there. Just a voice. Nothing I’ll ever act on. Just glad that I finally know what it’s called.
I have always found it’s nice when you can put a name to a type of thinking. It’s easier to find information and it’s easier to share information. I’m sorry that those thoughts are there. I’ve also dealt with passive suicidal thoughts and they always leave me scared
@heffay Thank you for your comment. I am glad to have this outlet to release some things I am still scared to say. It’s good to have people that care enough to respond. Thank you!
@iamnotreadyforanameyet Of course. I saw you tagged this with BPD and while I don’t know what it’s like to have that. I have Bipolar 2 and people don’t understand it. They don’t understand the lack of control in my thoughts and actions that comes with it.
@heffay It’s good to know there are others out there willing to open up about their life with their condition. It’s hard when even the people who know you best don’t understand your highs and lows, your irrational thoughts, your compulsions or outbursts.
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I tried to kill myself at 19. I failed as you notice or ghosts can type. Over the years I often thought of ending myself. In my youth there were cartoons in which characters would carry a black hole and toss it onto a wall and jump into it. Escape! THAT is how I saw suicide. I have known a person that did it. Or maybe his wife killed him. Did not make sense HOW he did it. Low self esteem did it for me. Feeling THAT was the only way to deal with things. Which is BULLSHIT. So many of us have no idea what a genuine HARD LIFE IS. We go boo hoo poor me. I did. Then you go through some seriously bad shit and become tougher for it. You don’t think you can but you DO and you will. Sometimes we just need to grow a thicker skin and learn to GROWL and mutter, “fuck you” and take a fuckitall pill and FIDO. Fuck it, drive on. You can. You will. Thing about suicide is, it is a lot harder than most people think. I tell you what regarding your coworkers and folks that say things that hold you back and put you down: They are NOT folks to be listening to. Listen to YOU. Use logic. Ask yourself which thoughts are REAL and what is unreal. Fantasy. Much anxiety is created by our imaginations and the fear is BS. Fantasy. UNREAL. I know. Been there done that. Is this a panic attack or a heart attack? Happened to me recently. Response? We’ll see 😉 Whatever it was I got through it. See? You are stronger than you give yourself credit for being. Don’t put so much weight on what others say or you IMAGINE they think. REMEMBER: Those same sonsabitches getting down on you are probably more fucked-up than you will ever be. It’s often a DISTRACTION THING. They talk about you to distract you from THEIR issues. I think most people think of offing themselves at times. Easy way out. Me? I have my down times. THEN I think of all the great OPERA and classical music I have yet to hear. Yeah blue collar guy likes that. Also for me MOVIES! No movies to watch when dead. Life is about GIVING LOVE and for me… I want to live a very long life to GIVE love because I was a self pitying ass so long ago that thought life was about GETTING. Life is joyful if we can give, make someone smile and help someone rise. Hope this long comment did not offend you. Now think of those folks that you feel judge you bad and growwwwwwllllllll yeah that’s it now GROWL! They got their own issues to deal with… maybe why they are gettin’ down on you. Also hey who made them experts? I am an expert …pardon me while I kick my ego’s ass for that last comment 😉
@skobru Thank you for your comment! I don’t mind that it was lengthy and I was not offended. I decided to open this account and get some of my dark thoughts out of my head. I am, in person, a cheery, helpful, enthusiastic person. I hide my insecurities and anxieties well, which, in my opinions, makes them affect me even more. I am glad to have a place like this to get it all out and get input from others with similar experience. Trust me, I intend to growl at my offensive coworkers tomorrow before I smile and move on with my day. After all, they deserve it!
@iamnotreadyforanameyet I can speak good English but sometimes a bit of flavor can give it more bite. I been through stuff. Don’t like to see others go through what I did. Dark thoughts are fine to vent but too many get caught up in them. I did for too long. Blow it off and move on. Good for you! Keep that positive attitude going. The rest is just bullshit 😉 As for my verbose comments… I care 😉
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Man, I deal with this so consistently. I’m glad you shared this. I came here to write a diary entry about this specifically, but until now I’ve been called it being “casually suicidal”.
@scribbsy Happy to help! It’s a scary thought in the moment. I get so angry at myself immediately afterward, which, depending on the situation, starts a spiraling effect. It’s good to see an actual label for it and know I’m not alone.
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