Spirals

What a weird few days.

There was drama in the air Friday night. BF was temperamental, so much so that I let him know that I won’t stand for it anymore. I let him know that walking on eggshells isn’t my style and I won’t be in a home with fist holes in the wall. I have been there and I won’t return. He apologized and seems to understand.

Since then, I have been thinking that my life doesn’t make sense. There are other things going on that I haven’t yet discussed. All of it combined makes me think my life doesn’t make any sense at all.

So yesterday at work, I was joking with co-workers. I have a very sarcastic, smartassy, dry sense of humor. I made a few dry jokes that a co-worker didn’t get, so she, in turn, too sensitive. I tried to explain that I was joking but I it just got confusing after a minute so I walked away. Driving home from work, I started worrying that she felt I was actually too sensitive, or that I was an asshole. So I went into a group text with her and the two girls I was joking with to apologize. It didn’t go well. I spiraled. I ended my last explanation text saying something like “I joke around because I want to be happy. All I want is to be happy”…so I am pretty sure they all think I am a mess. And maybe I am.

It’s just that nothing makes sense right now and I don’t know how to clear the confusion I feel.

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January 15, 2019

I think all the best people are a mess!