Since this is my first post here. I guess I should give a quick description of my past, and my goals for writing this journal.
I was raised between my abusive alcoholic/drug addict parents, and my abusive, highly conservative, religious maternal grandparents. One of the greatest things I have learned from them, other than you can not pick who you are blood related to, is that you can become misguided in your loyalty to your family.
- I died twice right after birth, and have a few health issues, including; Asthma, Cerebral Palsy , and inherited a chemical imbalance that creates not only physical symptoms (Seizure/convulsion), but impulse control, and schizophrenic issues. I have been oft labeled as having DID (Formally known as MPD).
- I had been in and out of legal trouble regularly from the age six, to twenty-eight. Some of this would result in jail, others, various programs for behavioral modification. I have had no run ins with the law that required my incarceration in over thirteen years. I got a speeding ticket in 2016, he could have slapped me for a lot more, but knew that I was going through a really tough time, and gave me a huge break.
- I am a survivor of incest, rape, and enslavement by blackmail. Of these three, you will find that I am most conflicted about the rapes commited by my mother’s friends. You may call some of my views about the enslavement somewhat “Stockholm syndrome looking”, I believe that he was coerced by one of his family members (One of his uncle’s was one of my rapist).
- When it comes to relationships, I have been engaged three times, married zero times. A lot of this is because of my fear of what I am, and having to keep a certain persona to protect the family image, and not bring shame, so I hurt many women, and men. I feel I have a responsibility in two suicides because of this, one even wrote that a part of it was my actions towards her.
- I am now 46, and have decided that I have lived like I have for far too long. Though there has been some really crappy things happen to me, I made crucial decisions and I know that I am responsible for this fiasco called my life.
know this is a general run down about my past. There will be more in depth post about the more intimate details in the future, when they are needed.
When it comes to what I am, that is more complex than I first realized. I realize that I am a lot of things mixed into one big unorganized anomaly. I began this journey just before Valentine’s day this year, because this is the tenth anniversary of the Jesse’s suicide. I realized that what she wrote about me being distant, and cold, and that she felt abandoned, was a fault of mine. I have done this on a certain level over the years, but this year has shown me that it has been my poor decision making skills is what is still holding me back. It has been like all the advice from my counselors, therapists, etc, finally clicked in on another level. Some things I will talk about openly. Some things I will talk about on a more practical level, or in more general terms.
My goals are pretty simple. Change. My focus will be more on me, and how things are, and the difference in how I view them today as opposed to the past. My goal is to keep it simple, and straight to the point.