This, that, and the other.

I have been dealing with an annoying toothache. One of them that just throbbs, lingers, then ebbs, never really getting above a two or three on the pain scale, but does not really goes away for a couple of days. It has slowed me down on my project, I am still thinking that I will be done with the first draft by Christmas. I figure since we are not having a family gathering, I should be able to knock out the last three scenes.

This morning, as I sat drinking my coffee and had breakfast, I thought about the last time that I saw Gloria. I remember asking my father if she looked exhausted. She seemed happy enough at least to see me, but there was something missing that I only partially picked up on. A few days later though, she told me that she still held hope for us, then a couple days later told me that she needed some time to think, and that she would call me back. That was the last time that I talked to her, the next thing I know, I am getting a call from my father telling me that her mom called him. I was devastated, that really hurt, doubly so since it had only been around five years since Jesse killed herself. It was a moment that made me realize just how broken I have been. Even though this memory hurts, it also has shown me that I can not keep wallowing in the guilt that I feel. By doing that, I am not honoring her memory, nor am I making the change that I need to make. *Hint* Quit being a coward, you do not have to rush, but quit finding excuses to not even start.

I have made some decisions in regards to my family in particular, and one of them is the reason that there is not going to be a family gathering.  My eldest uncle is highly homophobic, and I have been told that I have to dress in what he deems as appropriate when I am at his house. I told him that I will be wearing what I want to wear from now on, and I will date who I wish. My youngest uncle, who is my landlord as well, is opposed to this decision as well, so I will begin working on finding other housing. He is not throwing me out, or evicting me, I believe that this living arrangement is no longer what is best for me. Screw it, I do not care who you are, you are not going to tell me what to wear, or anything like that anymore!

Well, since I have the tooth calmed back down, I guess I am going to maybe get a few lines done of one of the scenes for my short movie.


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December 18, 2020

Memories of my own friend who committed suicide back in 1996.  I thought everyone would blame me.  They didn’t but I still know I could have done more at the end if I knew then what I know now kind of thing you know?  I agree the living arrangement is not good for you.  There is so much prejudice against life styles and choices of who you are with, what you do, where you go and most of all what you wear.  😎

December 18, 2020

For me, guilt is the heaviest thing to carry. It was an emotion I carried for so long and all it did was tear me down. Guilt mixed with trauma is shattering. I’ve blocked out so many memories because of it.

Good for you for not having a family gathering. No one should be allowed to tell you how to dress, who to love, or, just in general, who to be. Be the best version of yourself. Not the best version of who your family wants you to be.