About Today

I feel like I knew it was a possibility because of genetics, but I didn’t really think about it. I didn’t think about one of my parents really having memory problems. I have to think about it now, which is not something I want to think about. First of all because the amount of emotions I feel on all things right now is so overwhelming that I cannot actually process anything or feel anything or grieve anything. I’m dealing with much more than I want to be currently.

My dad doesn’t remember things and he’s having lots of hard times and he was one of the most competent people I knew. Not really in emotions or anything, but he could fix things and even if he fix them by having to be shady, things still got fixed some way or another. I don’t really talk to him much anymore. He’s hard to talk to and I also feel like I don’t have a relationship with him. I get worried if he is going to answer the phone when I call because I don’t know what to say. I don’t mean to be stand-off-ish, it’s just that I really don’t know how to deal with my more competent parent going downhill. I forget that we don’t live forever and that I’m finally going to have to deal with the death of a loved one. I’ve had grandparents and a friend die and it was difficult. This is going to be the toughest thing I’ve ever dealt with and I’m not interested in dealing with it.

I’m grieving the loss of my time with my baby son who is now in the arms of strangers for 8 hours a day and I don’t like it. School keeps me busy and I’m excited for the year, but not really. I could be with my boy. I held him all night last night because he is congested. Probably teething, but could be germs from daycare already, which kills me. He coughs and drools a lot, which makes me think this is teething, but he couldn’t sleep. So I decided his sleep was more important than mine. I love everything about him.

I dropped Dustin off to have surgery today on his hip and they put him under and he’s not going to be able to do stuff and be my very most competent person in my life, but he will return to that spot when he heals, but surgery makes me nervous and instead of doing school things because I’m overly prepared for the school year obviously, I’m writing in here to get out my feelings. I pick him up soon and have never really seen in incapacitated except for one time when he was throwing up and sick…which he still wouldn’t even let me see.

Also my custodian just opened my locked door and I was only five minutes from being done pumping and I had locked it. I realize he was there to fix stuff, but like my boobs could have been out. Time to make a sign on my door, not just lock it, I guess.

The last three weeks have brought me to a level of stress I’ve never been to. Things I’ve never had to think about. Things I never experienced. I’ve done well with it on the outside, but I think I feel myself getting sick or run down. I’m going to be sick a lot this year, I have a feeling and I depleted most of my sick days for maternity leave, which seems incredibly unfair, but what do I know.

That’s all.