This summer I have obsessed over several things. The one that is most prominent is the “when should I have small humans” question. I don’t know if other people obsess about whether or not they should have them as much as I do. In fact, some people feel like a child was why they were put on this Earth. One of the most annoying things I have found about some mothers is their need to say their life didn’t start until they had children. Well, I’m going to have to call BS on that one, because you were living, until a man put the stuff in the place on the correct, ridiculously small fertile window and everything worked out to make that child. I have lived on Earth for 32 years and every single day of my life would have helped me and given me experience to be a mother, if that is something that happens for me. I wish it was cut and dry. I wish it was a yes or a no. One day I want them and the next day I don’t. I have so many other things in my life that fulfill me that I don’t think all of my life before a child just disappears. I hear they are worth it. That’s really great. It’s not like I’m getting any younger, so it’s not like something I can continue to put off, as I don’t want to be a 50 year old new mother. That’s a big no thank you. I don’t know if I would regret not having them. I probably would when I am older. Something that I also dislike more than people saying their life didn’t start until they had kids, is “you wouldn’t know, you’re not a mom.” Really? I haven’t worked in education since my whole life? I mean, I have been taking child development classes since I was 15, I feel like maybe I do know how children act, think, and develop. I think I know what drives them sometimes and how to make them happy or sad. I know that maybe you shouldn’t bring a large pony toy to a restaurant and when I comment that maybe that wasn’t the best toy to bring, I don’t think I need my sister telling me I don’t have kids, so I can’t comment. Clearly my sister is a different entry of sadness that can be for a later date.

Here are the reasons that I obsess about on why they are something I am not sure about:

  • The thought of being pregnant is not something I’m interested in, although I haven’t ever been, so maybe it’s okay.
  • Childbirth sounds like something I’m not super interested in and I’m not interested in any forever changes to my body.
  • I’ve spent a long time being able to run and not be uncomfortable walking and living. Carrying a human being around for 9 months could be uncomfortable.
  • The time that goes into them in the beginning is a tiny bit overwhelming, as you are their main provider of living and the fact that I dislike being tired and also having to work with kids all day could be hard, but millions of people do it every day.
  • Being a teacher is semi-helpful to the pregnancy thing and when to have them, but I literally have a window of time that works best for having the most time off with a child.
  • I don’t like people talking to me or looking at me, so when you have a child growing in you, people talk and sometimes touch you, which is a big no thanks.
  • I don’t want to be the child’s excuse for things that are wrong with them….like I sometimes blame experiences in my childhood for the reasons I am odd.
  • I might be moving next year and there’s no literal good time that works into my schedule, but I’m sure the 15 year olds that have them and raise them also don’t have a great schedule for kids.

I know some of those things are vapid, but as a person who likes schedules and very little changes in feelings of comfort, you would have to understand how some of the baby year things could stress me and my current life. When they child is older, I’m absolutely not concerned about how I would raise them to be a pretty cool human. I am supposed to see if those things above outweigh the good and putting them out for me to see does show me all of those things are fairly trivial. I realize that. I am afraid of the unknown. I dislike being sick, uncomfortable or different. I just have to get through that. I see other people with their kids and they’re so happy. I have some more things to think about for sure…and I get to think about if kids are even a possibility…because I see all these fertile 16 year olds having children and these women who are actually ready not able to have kids without medical intervention. It’s pretty frustrating. I understand baby making is easier when you are younger, but I was not ready at all and I am a planner. It’s not fun. At this very second, kids are interesting to me. I can’t say what will happen to my thoughts tomorrow though. Such is the life with worry and anxieties…

The end.

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