Decisions.

I am pretty good at decision making. As long as I can remember, I’ve never had a super tough time decision making. I suppose maybe in high school when I dated a guy where I liked his brain and not his face, but I picked him over my date at the winter formal, which felt super right and sort of worked out for 16 or so months. I may have messed up then. I went to college to play soccer and I thought that was a pretty good choice. I did what I needed to to get there. Except I didn’t really love that team or that school. I did meet my soon-to-be husband there, so that is another example of stellar decision making skills. Like he’s absolutely hands down my favorite decision ever to this day. I really rocked that decision and I felt solid about it when he asked me to marry him. I knew he would be a good choice for the rest of my life.

We decided to get out of the military which was hard, but also we both sort of knew it was needed and a thing. I was super excited about it and moving back to GP. But when I got there, I had a panic attack most days and wondered why on the planet did I ever make this decision and it was the worst decision that was ever made on the planet. I thought by moving to Bend the next year would make me happier and it did. But  I made the decision to work at La Pine which was a terrible choice that I didn’t see coming. At the time, it felt super right and that this could be somewhere I stay forever. But then…I worked with a certified creep, arrested for doing things with 16 year olds, so I left that school because it felt like the Twilight Zone most days on how it was run. I then had to make the move from my beloved Bend town to Prineville, which I thought was going to be a terrible decision but I loved that place and also I had a feeling that the school was going to be great, which it was and it was my favorite place to work to date and was so, so amazing. It was run how a school should be with rules and expectations. The people were wonderful to work for and the kids were perfect.

But. Then. Dustin was offered a position in Idaho. In Boise. And we thought he wouldn’t get offered a position and we were semi floored by how well he tested and how much he liked everyone. Turns out everyone loves him at his work. I left my favorite school of all time. I left central Oregon. I left my family and friends again to follow Dustin to his profession and I was ok-ish. I ended up really loving the third graders, but the school was a circus, but I met my favorite people in Idaho there. So the decision there was hard, but it seemed good. I then went to a super beautiful junior high. I’m still there. The kids that were 7th graders were amazing and I loved them so very much. Then I taught 9th graders, which has been interesting, but good enough. Just little things…parent pleasing…which makes me insane. I don’t a hate my school. In fact, walking into it, I should consider myself lucky, as it is as nice as some high schools I’ve seen or attended, even. My house here? Well it’s fantastic, beautiful, huge, amazing, wonderful, etc. Things to do here? More than I could list. Dustin loves his job. I’m good with my job, there’s not a lot of love, but there’s certainly zero hate for it.

And Dustin now has the chance to go back to where we once lived. He can get a position for Bend. And? Someone is retiring at my beloved school. The one that is my all time favorite.

So we have some huge decisions that I can’t even begin to understand. I can’t even decide anything about it. One minute I want to leave and the next minute I think we should stay. The worst part is that Dustin feels the same. We can never truly come to a decision. No one can make this decision for us to go back to Oregon. I don’t know why this is so hard. I mean, I know adding a kid to the mix is hard, but not that hard when he’s just a little thing by the time we would move. It’s all too much and most days we don’t want to think about it, but in the next two weeks we have to and we have to decide. We are both so stressed about it, but I choose to not think about it most of the time so I don’t stress out the little human growing.

I was good at big life decision making anymore. I have had to do it so much in my past. Now I am not good at it. That is really all.