We are moving to Oregon. 100% happening. Each day is a countdown in this house. I like this house. We’ve made it our own. And I brought home my boy in this house. I’ve had really good memories here. Boise did not hurt me. I’m leaving without any bad blood…besides that stupid teacher who had lots to say about parenthood. I won’t miss her. It’s been fine.
But I think Dustin will have the hardest time leaving here because he really likes his job. But. When I think about my life and I think about what we need. We need to be in Oregon. It’s where I know I always need to return. It’s just what it is. It’s something I cannot control. And I have a new house and I don’t have a job yet and I don’t care.
But this crushing guilt that I feel because I am moving him from this place he likes is like no other. I have become numb to it to survive.
Do you not want to see your family? Do you not want our kids growing up by our family? Like don’t you want to see your friends? My friends are in Oregon. I don’t like anyone else. It’s just who I am. I made friends when I was little and those are my people. They don’t have expectations of me to be something. I am who I am to them. I like that. My life is comfortable when I am around people who understand me.
I’m going to say I’m not impressed with my family.
I get jealous when people say their mom or sibling is their best friend. My mom has never shared anything with me. I really don’t know anything about her I have decided. I know a little. But not much. I can’t go to her for help or for advice. She about lost her mind when I said we might need to go home and stay with them because MY CATS WILL UPSET HER CATS AND HER DOG. Jesus Christ, Mother.
It’s like for three weeks at most, but cool. We will spend 5,000 on an AirBnB for a month. No problemo.
Family is supposed to help. And I’ve been gone for so long. For almost a year. And asked nothing from anyone. And I needed a little direction and help once. And no. And that’s fine, because I don’t really need you guys, but I was hoping I could need you guys. My family lets me down a lot. Makes me feel everything is conditional. They’ve done this for my entire life. If I’m good, I’ll get people being nice to me. If I don’t need anything or voice a concern, it’s fine.
Do you know that I would drop everything to be with my kids if they were adults and needed something? Because I love them and support them and would be there for all the hard things if they wanted me to be there. If I could sense they didn’t want to ask but wanted me to help, I would help. I want my kids to be close to me and feel comfortable asking me questions and advice.
Technically Dustin’s family is actually sort of like that, but Dustin never asks for anything.
I 100% do not have that relationship with my family. And that’s a huge bummer and it will always be a bummer to me. I was born into the wrong family and that’s sad to me. They make me feel crazy that I have expectations of help and honesty, communication and understanding. These are not values they hold dear. It’s so weird.
And I’m moving back to be closer to that, which makes me feel crazy. But I know Oregon is best for me. And for my kids. And for Dustin.
I know this is going to be okay. It’s just not okay today.