It’s pretty overwhelming to see this place again. It’s ironic how I found out about this place being I thing again. Some things never change. I started writing in this place in 2002, maybe 2001, but deleted that one in one of my super dramatic situations. That is just about all each entry centered around, but it was important to me at the time and catching up on all of my experiences as been very reflective and I’m so thankful I grew up.
Like I think many people told me to do.
When this place disappeared, I did feel like my adolescents disappeared too. It was relieving and devastating at the same time. Among the sad, clinically depressed entries of my high school and college years, there were some impressive moments of brilliance. Among the online bullying of high school girls, unsigned notes and all, to the unrequited obsession I had about some guy I dated for like a year, it was all very important to me. All my experiences. All the things I never got to write in here.
I want to tell 16-18 year old me a few things right now, so that I can let her know something.
- How cute and naive you were. You let other guys kiss you as a 16-18 year old when you were supposed to be dating this other guy and you know what? Good. I’m glad you did that. You feel badly about it, but I wish there was someone there to tell you how innocent that actually is and how badly you felt about it just shows you did have a conscience. Like you were such a moral and safe teenager and you didn’t do more than you should’ve at your age. I’m actually proud of you, teenager me. You shouldn’t have regrets.
- You got out your feelings. That’s also good. Maybe not always the best choices were made, but you talked it out.
- You were probably, actually clinically depressed for a bit and your actual chemicals in your brain were off. You were sick, tired, sad and cried often and wanted to sleep. I’m sorry and I wish mental health was talked about more often in the early 2000s. Heaven knows there’s safe spaces and counselors every where these days.
- You dealt the best that you knew how and you played soccer, got good grades, got your MAT stuff and went on to marry the boy you obsessed with most of your diary. You’re not so bad. You supported Dustin through his military stuff and you guys made it. You can be loyal. You thought you were terrible after some silly high school relationship.
I’ve leveled off in so many ways. I’m so much more than I was as my brain began to actually develop. Good thing they say a human brain isn’t really done growing and learning to rationalize until 25 or so.
13 or so years later, I’m still with Dustin. We hardly go through the silly things anymore. Clearly. There’s nothing that gets in our way. I love him as much and more than my very dramatic love entries. Every romantic entry and every word I said about falling in love with him is true today. He knows me more than any other human on this Earth. He knows how to deal with me and my best and at my worst. Granted my worst looks nothing like these entries anymore. I would hope so as an almost 32 year old woman. Gross. I’m old. I live in Idaho. I’ve lived here for almost two years. Dustin is a firefighter. I’m a teacher, which I have been for like forever. Ok. Seven years, I guess. There’s nothing to really update with, except for some things that made me uncomfortable with who I was ten years ago.
Like was I a conservative? Did I really not accept everyone as I should? Did I refer to girls as whores and sluts and skanks? Because no thank you. I would never really do that anymore. Or at least out loud.
Not everyone has their last 13 or so years written down word for word to go back and reflect. I don’t know if I would want to be friends with me. Yikes.
Lots of yikes. But things are okay and this diary is my home and I’m glad it’s back.