I couldn’t even begin…

There was no entry in my life in 2013 here. I had another diary that I wrote in. Things have changed. A great deal. Almost too much to even write about. 2013 was good until I moved and quite honestly changed our life because I was chicken shit. Hm. Because I was not able to handle life like an appropriate human being. Because change scared me so much that I couldn’t even think about my husband being deployed and me stuck in Arizona. And I’m selfish.

Yes. That’s much better. To my defense, he didn’t want to stay in all the way. He was going to stay in for the money. Money was nice. Arizona sun was nice. My teaching job was nice. I wasn’t happy though. I had a house, a pool. My animals. My husband. Who….probably wouldn’t been deployed right now. But he’s not. We’re in our home town. He got out of the Marine Corps as a captain. He’s going to start a firefighting program. In our hometown. Which…I thought would be nice. But I feel like a trapped animal. The grass is apparently always greener in my world. But I don’t know. I think I really loved Arizona’s weather. I liked being me. I liked no one knowing me and if they did, they knew me as a teacher and a coach. The girls were stupid that were married to Dustin’s friends, except for one. That didn’t bother me. I had friends on my staff and I liked coaching soccer, even though it took up all my free time on the weekdays and weekends.

I moved and helped us get out of the Marine Corps because I was scared and that’s stupid. Dustin was not sure he was going to be career designated and he was so off and on about staying in that one of us had to make a choice and that one of us was me and I have to live with that.

 

I don’t like my teaching job here. It’s 30 miles away and each day I drive into the rural, depressing part of my area. The kids are so different. I like them, but it’s different. My staff is different. I haven’t connected to anyone really, except the new music teacher. She’s pretty shiny and positive, which I needed.

 

My four year old Cockapoo died from some spine thing in October. That about broke my heart irreparable and the sign that I wasn’t supposed to be here. I was having signs left and right that I was supposed to be here before I left AZ. Humans just make up signs. To appease their confused brains.

 

I got a puppy. She makes up for the hole, most of the time, but Hazel went through all those moves with me and I knew that she knew what it was like to move around the country. I know that’s dumb. But. It’s what I feel.

 

I can’t even begin to speak of the people here, so I won’t. Friendship is an interesting place in this town. That’s all I will say.

 

I’m looking for a way out already. I’m always flight-ing instead of fighting. I always just find a way out of all my shit instead of meet it straight on, but I don’t feel like doing that yet. I am not a tree. I do not have to stay in one place. There is no reason. I can make myself and my husband happy if we want to live someplace else and I believe that we do. I hope that I get to where I want to be and that at some point I can be happy.

 

I was happy with the state I was living in, but we were going to have to leave that place for someplace else.

I had the state correct, but my husband’s job was all wrong. For me. For him. Mostly me. Which makes me a dick.

 

But. Not like I was going to leave. He couldn’t stayed if he wanted to and I would’ve said ok.

 

No foot was put down.

No refusals.

This wouldn’t have happened if they didn’t screw him in the first place on my birthday with the too-tall-to-fly bs.

 

It is my puppy’s three month birthday. I do love her.

I do miss Hazel

My old life.

There’s not a lot I can do right now.

But I don’t give up easily. I’ll make our lives happy.

This is a fact.

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