Rage

I’m having lots of anger lately. I think it’s misplaced and hormonal. But I take anger over my usual depressed feelings, that I have not had for like…seven months. There’s like five things I like about pregnancy and having been mostly stable in the emotional category has been super.

I dislike Dustin’s brother. I don’t think that’s new. Every time a family member of Dustin’s comes to visit I get sick. I worry about having to share my house with them and having to be nice that I get sick the day they get here and then am no fun to deal with. Let’s at almost 8 months pregnant and it’s really a perfect storm of pissed.

I mean I don’t think you want to listen to stories about “enemies of America” being blown up by him at dinner. Or that he calls his kid a nightmare. Like you’ve parented your child maybe three months out of the almost two years he’s been on Earth and actually I doubt at any point you every actually parented. You are the polar opposite of your big brother and now you’re going to try to step in his shoes and copy his profession and you have zero of the same qualities.

And I’m sick and want Dustin home, but he’s been literally fishing for like eight hours and knows exactly when I get home from school and decided to just have his bro time, which is cool…but his fucking bro is the reason why I’m sick. My immune system probably could’ve dealt with life without him coming here and ruining my schedule.

And the students are dumb. And they do dumb things each day. And maybe I need to teach the little ones again. Who seem to be a bit more innocent because I can’t reach these guys much. Their entitlement, their apathy. Their lack of understanding that what they do to others or online matters.

I have 43 school days before I get to take maternity leave. And then I can teach some kids next year that I’ve taught before and I actually liked them. But really I think I want to be in Oregon. I am working on my Oregon license currently…like this week. I’m trying to be the most proactive person on Earth right now to get every literal thing done before I need to mom. I can’t picture myself as a mom. It’s still incredibly weird, but also normal. It’s the weirdest thing I’ve ever experienced in my life and I’m so glad I did this when I was old enough to fully understand myself and a little bit more about life. I couldn’t imagine taking this trip in my earlier twenties.

I guess maybe I’m not as mad as I thought I was. I was super mature and didn’t text Dustin rude shit for being later coming home EVEN THOUGH I think it’s rude and also inconsiderate. But whatever. I think I need to sleep and also not be sick. Sick and pregnant is the most irritating thing.

I am mad that there’s snowflakes wasting my time outside and not doing anything severe to make me have a snow day tomorrow.

I think sometimes I’m lonely here.

I think it sometimes bugs me, but not enough to understand if I need people in my life. I think when you have a few good people in there, you don’t need a bunch of on the surface people. And there’s people that matter to me and they’ve more than supported me this year with my complaints and bitchassing and that’s all I could have ever hoped for.

That is all for now.