Things.

I pay for this site, so I feel like I should actually use it from time to time.

Things I think about often:

People that treat their babies like a dress up travel accessory. Like your baby is a human being and their self worth cannot be in pictures that you have curated on Instagram. I wish someone would have done a longitudinal study of these poor kids and what their self worth stems from. I can’t deal with the kids that are being brought up these days and I imagine, as a teacher, I am going to have a harder time with the generation that plasters baby faces and perfect homes all of social media without any consent.

I think about that I should have had kids earlier than now because I honestly don’t think I could do this again, although I know my mom had me at 37, but the idea of ever being pregnant again seems difficult…It hasn’t been hard as some people have it, but it for sure has not been easy and I feel like a lazy loser that Dustin has to do everything for when he’s home and I feel like I hope I start feeling better so I can be like the person I was, who actually did things and was productive and didn’t feel nauseous, heart burny, and exhausted. Only 7 months more (eye roll) and however many months it will take to recover and then I’ll be a different person, but also able to have my body back. Don’t conceive that as “body back” in the way of how I look. What I mean is…it will just be me in my body and I will be able to not have something growing in there that causes some discomfort. I think some people think this is just the best time in their life and I’m super cool with that and more power to them. I don’t have a bad attitude about this pregnancy, in fact, I’ve been doing so much better than I ever imagined. I just always knew this was a  necessary thing to do to have a child that is part you and part your significant other. Maybe I was never ready for it until now. Maybe thats why timing is important.

On the note of timing, however, it couldn’t be worse for Dustin who perhaps wanted to test for Bend. He would leave in February and pretty much miss the birth of our child because he couldn’t leave immediately. We might not need to worry about it, but I think he will still test and it could not go his way. It probably will so then by December we have huge decisions. It’s a six hour drive and I would be alone for almost four to five or six months. Three to four of those months with a newborn. He could try and make the birth…and you know, I’m not super upset if he did miss it. I’m not too excited about this birth thing, nor do I need a big deal made of it…I just want the child out of all of this and I want the child and myself to like…be good after the birthday, clearly. I don’t need a lot of people watching on.

We don’t know what to do about moving, but we have a big house right now, have stable jobs and we are bringing a human into the world. Some stability would be cool. We have the stability right now. If Bend could have opened all these jobs next year that would have been ideal, but timing isn’t something that usually works in our favor. We have some things to figure out. Per the usual.

Good news is I don’t really stress about much besides knowing if the child is okay. When I get genetic testing, I will really not have anything to worry about if everything is fine, which I mean, technically it should be, but it is me, and I’m not sure things really go “my way”…so I’ll definitely worry until I know. I don’t care what the gender is…I don’t have a preference. I mean, maybe I do, but that’s dumb, because I have no control over that and will be pleased with whatever. I think I’m more ready to deal with a girl, but that doesn’t mean I won’t be happy with a boy.

I worry about spontaneous issues that I have read about or seen on Instagram, every now and then. Women having a perfectly normal pregnancy and then one day, 7 months in or 8 months into the pregnancy, the baby dies. Like no. Or SIDS scares me. I think maybe I’ll have way more fears when the child is out of me because it will be out in the world living. Or when someone is mean to them. Or when they feel sad. It’s all a lot.

It’s all things I had no idea I would ever be thinking about…I was never super sure about this kid thing…But here it is.

That’s all.