I just opened my diary again for the first time in 7 years and literally laughed out loud at my last entry. Why? Well because the big issue in my last diary is still one of the biggest issues in my life right now for the same exact reasons. ALEX. Yup, after 7 whole years he is acting the exact same, probably worse actually. Definitely worse. Take that craziness, childishness, running off, annoyingness, stubborn, headstrong, dumbass smartass drunkass gemini and add a couple of actual suicide attempts, tons of suicidal ideation, crank up the depression, crank up the anxiety, crank up the dependence on me, add a shit ton of meth induced psychosis and remove some teeth, hair and all those puppy love feelings I had towards him, add a child who he’s the father of a viola you have 2018 Alex! Fun times. It really just goes to show you that you cannot change people, the things you have an issue with when you first start a relationship, those issues you think you can fix or ignore because you are blinded by love an attraction, are probably going to be the things that cause you to break up with the person in the long term after the initial high of love sickness wears off. I fully believe that statement now because of the situation with alex, the situation with me leaving dan before him because I never really liked him, the situation of me leaving jesse being so frustrated he could never make me orgasm….all documented in my journal and all with sickeningly predictable endings. I stayed in it with Alex because he was my “soulmate” astrologically, I thought this meant that we would heal each other and be together forever, that we would fix each other and make each other the strongest more evolved versions of each other and live happily ever after, but I have learned that is not what “soul mates” means in real life, that shit is just for fairy tales and movies, or even just a myth to get people to actually stay with their soul mates and learn the karmic lessons they need to from them even though its usually fucking hell being with one. Because what I’ve learned is that soulmate is necessary yes, they helps you learn important lessons yes, they make you stronger, they are a defining person in your life, they will be a part of you forever yes BUT just because someone is your soul mate in astrology and they help you do all those things doesn’t mean its going to be happy, healthy or your forever person. No, its actually usually the opposite. Growing is fucking hard, thats why there are things called growing PAINS, not growing pleasures. Growing hurts and so do soulmates. Evolving is scary. Without Alex and Kendrah, I wouldn’t be who I am today, I am sooo much more stronger, I am a completely different person but the amount of pain and struggle and strife I have gone through with Alex to get here is absolutely nothing to put in a fairy tale. More like a horror movie. Soul mates are the opposite of what you think they are they are pain and intense frustration and there are multiple of them, and yes they each will always be in your life but not as the person you are in love with forever.
This whole speech I’m giving is actually scaring me though, because will I listen and heed my own advice right now in this moment when it comes to me and mitchell? Me and him fight non stop. I’m completely in love with him and so fucking attracted to him but he’s so fucking jealous and he doesn’t wanna fuck half the time. His sex drive is so low and his anger is so high. Talk about imbalanced misused mars energy! However me and him have many soul mate connections in our chart…south node conjunctions actually. He’s meant to be in my life and I’ve already seen it. I mean fuck I rode in a plane for the first and second time because of him. I drove across the country and me ACTUALLY DROVE in the middle of nowhere in the middle of the night on the freeway for hours, because of him. I smoked weed again because of him. I am learning about more spiritual things including studying deeper into astrology because of him. He is def a soul mate but I can already see the issues around sex and i CANNOT go through the rest of my young years not having good sex often, and then finally leave him in my 40s and be like damn look at all that time I wasted not fucking. He has so much anger though, he is such a spiritual person and open to learning astrology and sexual stuff, he has to learn how to repurpose that anger. With the jealousy… it might just be mostly to do with Alex and I can see his role in my saturn return that revolves around that. I’ll write about that next time…now its time to go to sleep if I want to make my sleep goal for tomorrow. Trying to get 8-9 hours of sleep every night this week. So far I did every day except saturday night and monday night. I feel much better when I get sleep. Goodnight!