Life has taken a strange turn since I was last here.
I’m back because I needed somewhere to be able to write and feel and not be judged by people who know me. I needed a place to be able to understand what is going on and figure shit out.
I’m not sure where I left off last time. OD is restoring my old content as I type so who knows? (It has finished!)
I suppose I’ll work with what I’ve got. So here is an update on me.
I’m 29 now, I have a wife (Zoe – I mentioned about her moving in in my last entry 8 years ago…) who I own a home with. I have two cats and a dog. We have been trying for children for a long time but things aren’t going the way we hoped.
We originally decided we would adopt. There are so many children out there that need a loving home and family, we can be that for them. So we started the process almost 2 years ago now. It was going great. We had all the paper work, we had been placed on a training course with 3 other couples and we completed it.
The people running the course had asked us each what our fears were. Originally, our main fear was our age. Everyone always thought we were too young to be adopting and that we should try for our own first. Why is adoption always the last resort? Why can we not want to adopt as a first priority?
My concern then swapped. We got to day two of the course and no one had told us that we would be discussing names. Our names and why our parents had chosen them for us. Now, for those who are reading and don’t know, my parents did not choose my name. I chose my name. We had to bring something in from our childhood and talk about it and talk about our names.
Zoe went first, she did great.
I went second. I was nervous. I was about to out myself to a group of strangers. I was not comfortable with this. It turned out they were all great. I think. I wasn’t looking at anyone so I don’t know their reactions. I’m pretty sure my wife was looking at everyone though, but she didn’t say if they had any bad reactions.
At the end of this training course, we spoke to the people running it. They had concerns about me because I was reserved about telling a group of strangers that I am trans.
It got back to our social worker and then her manager. These four people, together not having any training or knowledge of transgender people, decided that I had trauma from my childhood as I cannot remember enough details.
It was suggested to me to talk to friends from early childhood and family. I asked my family, they laughed and said I had no childhood trauma. My oldest friend only knows me from age 11 and we drifted apart as we chose different paths at 16. My next oldest friend, I met when I was around 18, maybe slightly earlier.
The more I think about it, the less I know. I’ve got onto tiktok, my for you page seems to be LGBT+, adhd, books and people discussing their trauma and abuse.
A video I watched stated something along the lines of “Trauma is not the event that happened to you, its who was around to help you afterwards” or something like that. I told Zoe about that and she said that if we’re going by that, then yes, I had a very traumatic childhood/adolescents.
I apparently didn’t deal well with things. I needed to ask for help more. But the thing is, I did. Just not in a way that the social workers want me to have done. I was on here. I was on tumblr. My early years were online because that was the community that accepted and understood me. And now I’m being punished for it.
The day the social worker told us that they were not continuing with our case, she said that it was because of me. She didn’t say it specifically it was all my fault, but we knew what she was saying. After After SW left, Zoe had to leave for work straight away. I was alone. Yes, I was on the phone to my wife for half an hour as she drove to work, but we both agreed, she had said it was because I couldn’t remember my childhood so I have some trauma that I have not dealt with. The SW said to come back in a year, then back tracked and said come back at the end of the summer. She said not to go trying IVF because they wanted us back because we were the most perfect and accepting and understand couple she had ever met, she then back tracked again and said it was out choice if we wanted to try IVF though.
I understand, that with that thinking, why they said no. Why they said not right now. I do. Their main priority is to the children and from her explanation, if a child who had been placed in our care had trauma or was going through something and it set off my trauma, I would not be able to help the child. I would be going through something called a secondary trauma and that it would be worse for me. So in a way, they’re looking out for me too.
But I still don’t know what trauma I’m supposed to have had. The SW said that having grown up in the wrong body, the wrong gender, that must have been traumatic, right? Except, not really. Don’t get me wrong, I was miserable, but I’ve had to see multiple psychs just to be able to transition. Just to be able to be cleared for each and every surgery I’ve had…
Which, speaking of surgery, my last surgery, one in Spring of 2019, I ended up getting an infection. I was not well. I ended up with sepsis. I had a temperature of 41.9°C at one point. They removed a 7lbs abscess from my stomach and I am now prone to cellulitis, which was a result of the sepsis…
I’m just so tired…
Zoe and I talked about trying IVF. We got an appointment at the women’s hospital. They said she needed to lose a shit ton of weight (I’m paraphrasing there). So we’ve been trying. We’ve been struggling.
Zoe recently (4 months ago) was diagnosed with autism. We expected it and it was a relief to know that someone could see it too. They also said there was a lot of adhd symptoms in there too, so now we’re waiting on that diagnosis too.
I think I’m going to read back on my entries to try and get some memories back. I think that might help.
I’ll see you soon,