Entry 794: A Bad Day

In all honesty, it hasn’t been a bad day. Not really. I mean, okay, I’ve had worse. 

I mean to say, I’m not allowed to have a bad day if my wife is having a bad day because her day is worse. I’m not allowed to have a bad day if my wife is having a good day because it will make her day bad too.

My wife is autistic, possibly has ADHD (awaiting doctors appointments etc.) and probably has SPD too. I love her, with all my heart, I do. I would not change her for anything in the world.

But there are days. There are days when I just want to sit. Or cuddle the cat. Or nap. Or sit on tiktok for 10+ hours and not do the washing up.

My wife doesn’t often cook, she can’t follow recipes, so that means I cook. 

My wife doesn’t often do the washing up, the water on her hands and wrists is painful for her, so that means I do the washing up after I cook.

If I don’t do the washing up, it sits there. And it gets added to.

My wife can’t do all the clothes washing, she needs help. So I do what I can, when I remember.

My wife wants the house clean and tidy, but forgets to pick things up or put things away as she goes.

My wife has a long and tiring job, I understand that. She looks after 20+ 2-3 year olds all day every day. At the moment, there are a lot of SEN kids in her room and because of covid they’re all very young 2 year olds too. The people she works with (adults in her room) forget about her autism and forget she needs breaks or whatever. But she also won’t mention it or sit down with her manager and room leader to say what her requirements are for her disability. Because, yes, she is now classed as disabled. She works 5 days a week, 8 hours a day.

I work 4 × 12 hour shifts a week. Two days, two nights. So two of my shifts are when she’s asleep. I’m pretty sure she forgets I need to sleep during the day for these shifts.

She gets her weekends off, I get technically 4 days off, but also its 3½ days because I’m asleep for most of my first day off. But hourly, I work 8 hours more than my wife. 

I know all about spoon theory. I know ND people can have less/smaller/slotted spoons compared to NT people. But I’m not 100% sure that I’m NT. 

We’ve obviously been doing research about autism and ADHD and SPD. And a lot of the things for ADHD match up with me, but I can’t go for it too because then I’d be copying…

She just… forgets a lot.

We also have to walk the dog each day, obviously but she won’t do it without me. And then sometimes she won’t do it with me either. 

I just need a day where I can do nothing and I don’t feel guilty for doing nothing.



Log in to write a note
October 6, 2021

Hi Jack, This is out of balance.  You’re a caregiver whether you call it that or not, and deserve a day off.  If you don’t take care of yourself, don’t add “you” to your to-do list, you won’t be able to take care of her, either.

Find someone to be her caregiver, a sister, cousin, friend, aunt, mom, someone who can do a day now and then.  Go fishing, bowling, read a book, hang out with a friend or go to the park.  Ride your bike, something that is all about YOU.  The internet/TV eats time in a way that no memories are created, and it doesn’t feel like a day off.  Do things that create memories.

Best to you.

October 6, 2021

No offense, but, as a parent, I don’t think I would have left my child with someone who “forgets a lot.” You seem to indicate she’s not alone, but still. I feel for her (and you) and hope she can get some treatment.

October 7, 2021

@solovoice I don’t mean she forgets things, I more meant she forgets about me.