Friday 04/09/2021

I am back here again. I am journaling outside of here in my book journal. So I thought I would come back here. Not sure why exactly. I just know I am going through a rough patch and need to find some outlets to get myself on track. I am depressed. Big time. I thought about seeking out my Dr. for some medicine. But I don’t really want to go back on meds for depression.

My life feels so empty and dead. I don’t feel as if I have a purpose or a need to be here.

I do have my son, my granddaughter. And lately, I have become close with my little brother who lives in Arizona and will soon be moving back to Iowa. My friends of which I thought I had several seem to be unavailable. Which makes me very very sad.  Covid has ruined so much. In so many ways.

Lately, I just sit and cry. I miss my best friend. I am afraid to reach out to her. She has a lot going on in her life. And I feel bad I haven’t reached out sooner. I am not sure why I can’t push myself to do it. She lives in another state. I haven’t seen her in almost 2 years now. We used to take vacations together every year. But that changed due to us both having health issues. And I am lost without her. I feel like half of me is gone. Half of me is dead. There is rarely any joy in my life. No one here wants to go out. I know there are still concerns about COVID. But places are open. They are careful. I miss going for coffee, going for dinner, just meeting up with friends. I have withdrawn now. I have had my first shot and will have my second on 04/30/21. I want a life again.

I am only 62 years old. I feel like I am an old shut-in. I go out to get groceries. I go to the dr. I have been going to the second-hand stores alone. No one else will go. So I just go alone. Because I enjoy it.

I miss my best friend, the beach vacations, the coffee shop conversations, the dinners with the girls, the laughter, and good times. I miss my life. I don’t have one anymore. I am lost and alone. I am depressed. And I don’t want to be here.

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April 9, 2021

My life is very similar to yours in that I am alone most of the time. I go grocery shopping and to Dr appointments but other than that not really anything. I visit with my mom for a few hours most mornings then spend the rest of the day alone with my dogs. I find myself missing my friends though I’m not depressed. I don’t know how I’d handle all of this if I were. I’m sorry you are. I know you said hou don’t want to seek out medication for depression but consider it if you feel any worse. They can help quite a bit. Without them I’d probably be in the same boat you are. 

April 10, 2021

I know depression oh too well, so I have some idea what you’re going through, and this pandemic hasn’t helped. I sympathize with your need, our need, to have our friends and family to help us through these impossible days that never seem to let us live a more healthy life. And I know loneliness as well. But I always hold out hope for the light at the end of the tunnel to appear again. I would talk to you doctor. Explain to him/her what you’re going through, about your need to be medication free. Unfortunately, sometimes we need medicines to fight off depression. You are going to be ok and this depression won’t last forever. (((Hugs))).