I am back here again. I am journaling outside of here in my book journal. So I thought I would come back here. Not sure why exactly. I just know I am going through a rough patch and need to find some outlets to get myself on track. I am depressed. Big time. I thought about seeking out my Dr. for some medicine. But I don’t really want to go back on meds for depression.
My life feels so empty and dead. I don’t feel as if I have a purpose or a need to be here.
I do have my son, my granddaughter. And lately, I have become close with my little brother who lives in Arizona and will soon be moving back to Iowa. My friends of which I thought I had several seem to be unavailable. Which makes me very very sad. Covid has ruined so much. In so many ways.
Lately, I just sit and cry. I miss my best friend. I am afraid to reach out to her. She has a lot going on in her life. And I feel bad I haven’t reached out sooner. I am not sure why I can’t push myself to do it. She lives in another state. I haven’t seen her in almost 2 years now. We used to take vacations together every year. But that changed due to us both having health issues. And I am lost without her. I feel like half of me is gone. Half of me is dead. There is rarely any joy in my life. No one here wants to go out. I know there are still concerns about COVID. But places are open. They are careful. I miss going for coffee, going for dinner, just meeting up with friends. I have withdrawn now. I have had my first shot and will have my second on 04/30/21. I want a life again.
I am only 62 years old. I feel like I am an old shut-in. I go out to get groceries. I go to the dr. I have been going to the second-hand stores alone. No one else will go. So I just go alone. Because I enjoy it.
I miss my best friend, the beach vacations, the coffee shop conversations, the dinners with the girls, the laughter, and good times. I miss my life. I don’t have one anymore. I am lost and alone. I am depressed. And I don’t want to be here.