Friday, November 13, 2020

It has been a while since I have been here. Life you know. And depression and so much other shit. The time seems to fly by these days. I don’t know what happened to this year but I feel like I have missed half of it. It has been in the most horrific fog at some points. There has been nothing good this year. Except that I am still here. And somedays I don’t know if that is a good thing or not.

Yes, I am battling depression. Some days are better than others. Medical issues compound it. I am not going to get into all that today. But somedays I don’t feel like it’s worth it to go on. I have to work hard at talking myself out of my pity party. It’s not so much a pity party. I am just so tired. Tired of this life full of nothing but going to the dr. There is no quality to this life I am living. I rarely see my granddaughter. She turned 4 on October 26th. I did see her a week later. Very briefly.

My granddaughter is my joy. My sunshine. I got to talk to her on the phone the other night. She had a story to tell. She gets so excited. Grandma, grandma, grandma guess what? And she rattled on for 20 minutes telling me about a mama deer that got hit by a car out by the driveway. Daddy told her that the mama deer had to go to heaven so she wouldn’t suffer. Suffer means she has a lot of pain. But they took her away and now she is going to feed all the hungry people. That is the way my son explained it to her. Because she had to be put down and they donated the meat to the nearest food pantries to feed the homeless. She thought that was so wonderful. She is so animated at 4. Her little stories make me laugh and cry. I love her so much.

This Covid thing has me down even deeper. Things are bad here in my state. I am 62 with a lot of medical situations going on. I only go out to get my groceries. I feel so shut off from people. I miss my friends. My best friend. I miss going out for dinner, and coffee dates, and just going to the library and picking up books and discussing them with the girls. I miss contact hugs, kisses, it just sucks.

I am retired so I don’t have to go out unless it’s to the dr. or to get groceries. Life is very lonely. I have joined some groups on Youtube and that helps a little. But this whole covid thing is bad. I am like everyone else I just want life to return to normal. I doubt we will ever go back to that normal again.

I am finding it harder and harder to pull myself out of the darkness at times.

Enough for today.

 

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November 13, 2020

I am sorry you are going through all of this, but you are never alone…..

Jon
November 14, 2020

I’m sorry that life is so dark for you. I’m glad that you were able to have a chat with your four-year-old granddaughter. She does seem like a bright ray of sunshine. I’ve lived with depression since I was seven years old, and now I’m 67. I know there is always light at the end of the tunnel and I do what I can to stay distracted from the depression. But I’m not so depressed anymore. I think it’s because of my meds. Still, these are lonely times and I can only hope that you find betters days ahead.

November 19, 2020

Sending prayers. I hope you can keep your thoughts on your granddaughter. She will help you through all of this. Sometimes a drive, just to get out of the house, does wonders.