Monday – 05/21/18

I know it has been awhile. So much going on. And my thoughts are a jumbled mess. I am off work today. Trying to catch up on so many things. Too bad I couldn’t have caught up on sleep. But try as I might rest does not come right now. I sleep about 4-5 hours a night. I wake around 3 a.m every morning and fight to return to sleep. Sometimes it happens other times not so much.  Yes, I am feeling exhausted. Mentally, emotionally, physically. I am hoping that soon things will get better.

We had the celebration of Life for my Husband Ron on Saturday, May 19, 2018.  We had a beautiful day. Lots of sunshine. We had a brief ceremony and then, of course, lots of food. We had a great turn out. A few hundred people showed up. Some people I was hoping to see didn’t come. Which makes me sad. My son did pretty well. He was my rock. I am hoping this will bring closure for both of us and things will settle down. We still have unresolved things with the estate but that takes time. Somethings you can’t rush. I am not sure when it is going to finally sink in. Somedays I think it has others days I am ready to call him or send him a picture. Lord give us strength.

I took a few days off work. Friday, Saturday, and Monday. I had several things to get done Friday and today. Dr. appointments, an appointment with social security, and just mental health time. Yesterday I did absolutely nothing but lay around and watch tv. I cried so much Friday and Saturday I was drained. I am also taking Wednesday off to play hooky with some friends from work. We all hate our job. So we decided to do a girls day trip and shop and eat in the middle of the week. Sometimes you just have to do something fun. So I am only working 3 days this week and then we have a long weekend for Memorial Day.

I sat around and binged watched “Thirteen Reasons Why” season 2 on Netflix. If you haven’t seen it you should check it out. Start with season 1 so you know what is going on. Parents it’s an eye-opener. If you have a teenager maybe watch it with them.  It touches on so many topics with our teenagers today. Speaking of which:  Another school shooting.  Our youth is crying out for help in so many ways.  I have so many thoughts on this but I won’t start today.

I have been back on all my meds for diabetes for about two months now. And I have gained so much weight. This is very upsetting to me. I want to be good and take the medicine. But I don’t want the extra 20+ pounds. I see my doctor next month for my check up and I am going to tell her. This is why I go off my medicine. I don’t want to carry this extra weight I feel like crap. I am not eating more food, and I am moving more. There is no reason for this except the drugs. I hate it. And if she does not offer some help I will stop taking the drugs again. How can gaining 20+ pounds when you take your medicine be good for you? Do any of you have these problems?  I take diabetes drugs: metform, glipizide, and lantus insulin.  And I also take prozac ( i have for years) and she started me on lyrica for the neuropathy in my feet. I hate this.

I hope today will give me some good answers from the Social Security Administration. I am turning 60 in July. And I want to check into getting my husband’s social security. I am dealing with a lot of health issues, and stress, and just would really like to drop down to part-time status with my job or look for something else part-time. I will know after my appointment today. Wish me luck.

Do you ever wonder sometimes Why does life have to be so hard? I know a lot of people have things a lot worse than I do. I am self-sufficient, my house is paid off, car paid off, but my health sucks. I have been dealing with leukemia for over 10 years and have never been able to get in full remission. I take oral chemo and shots 3x a week. And I am tired. I am sick of taking poison drugs. Sick of being sick to my stomach most of the time. Enough woe is me. I am blessed to have a healthy son and granddaughter. And I am so grateful.

I am going to stop here before this turns into a pity party. I can’t let myself go there. I am grateful for my life.

I am going out for a walk and some fresh air. It is currently 55 degress and overcast. Rain is in the forecast.

I hope you all have a blessed Day.


May 21, 2018  8:47 a.m. cst.





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May 21, 2018

I have always thought that the good lord gives you what he/she thinks you can handel and tollerate.  It’s the only thing that makes sense to me.

May 21, 2018

It sounds like your husband was well regarded with all those who showed up. The celebration of life idea sounds great. And I hope Social Security goes through.

May 21, 2018

I hope life will improve for you with time.Give yourself that time Take it slow. No rush.My life is going from bad to worse and I have to try and hang in there too.

May 22, 2018

19 years is an astronomical amount of time! Truly amazing, because obviously I’m ignorant on Leukemia. I thought it took a person out real quick but perhaps that was a different kind or the treatment is sort of working for you. My cousin used to say; “I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired!”

I’ve had meds make me gain a lot

of weight quickly. I went from 115 to 155 in a few months. It was shocking and didn’t come off until I stopped the meds years later. I hope the doctor takes you seriously and can give you something else to try.

May 22, 2018

It does sound like a great turnout. I’m very, very sorry you’re in such pain (both physical and emotional), and I know that no words will help alleviate or lessen that. Best of luck with the SSA, I hope you get good news from them. Healing thoughts for you.

May 22, 2018

I hope you get good results from Social Security. I’ve been dealing with them since January when I turned 62. Got a lot of run arounds, but am supposed to start getting checks next month.

I have had drugs that made me gain weight, so I stopped taking them. My doctor gave me different ones. Hope yours will be able to do that.

That was a lot of people at the service for your husband. Shows he was well liked. Hang in there{{hugs}}

May 24, 2018

Oh goodness!  My thoughts and prayers are with you.  I’m so sorry for all you have been going through.  I know how close my son and I are.  His dad left us when he was five, but over the years we became friends again.  He is not in good health and there have been several times they have called us to the hospital to tell us he would not make it, but he’s survived somehow.  I know it would be so hard for my son.  I’m glad you and your son have a good relationship and if you are like me, that little granddaughter is your ray of sunshine:)  We unfortunately share a lot of the same health problems.  My doctor put me on Lyrica and I gained 13 pounds in 8 days and just could not take it.  I hope your doctor can help  you with the problems you are having.  With health problems, the death of your husband, and a job you do not like, that is a lot of stress!!  I pray you can work out the social security so you can work less hours, and that your doctor helps you with the health problems.  Sorry I’m rambling.  I just feel so much for your situation.

May 25, 2018

@grammysheart… Thank you so much. I am working on getting my life back on track. My heart is broken about my husband. I got good news from SSA about Widow benefits. I just need to figure out my bills and decide when I want to start collecting.

And my granddaughter is my Sunshine. I love her so much. I am so lucky to have her. My son is still having a rough time. It hurts my heart so much to watch him go through this.

Hoping time will help us both.  Thank you so much for your kind words.

God Bless You,


May 25, 2018

I can’t imagine what you are going through. I’m sorry about your husband I know there are just no words I can say to make it better. I also gained weight from my medication and I hate it.   Don’t be afraid to lean on your loved ones for support. Stay strong!

May 26, 2018

Oh I am so sorry  for your loss. I have had two losses in the last month, one a furbaby and the other a human friend.  They’re all so hard. 🙁  I totally get going out and doing things randomly. I do it too, when I can afford it. 🙂  Enjoy your memorial day, and I look forward to more entries!

June 9, 2018

So sorry for your loss.