Wednesday 04/29/2020

Help!!! I have fallen and I can’t get out of this hole.

This has not been a good day. I am severely depressed. I have cried so much the last few days and I can’t get myself out of the dark place.

The Governor lifted some of the restrictions for our state and several counties around me. So this allows me to go back to the Dr. The office called on Monday afternoon and said they wanted to see me today. But first I needed to get blood work done. Which I did yesterday. I just drove to the lab and they draw blood and send it over. So my appointment was for bright and early 7:15 a.m today.  So after listening to the dr. go on and on about my condition. And me breaking down in tears. They proceeded to give me fluids, and an injection for my Leukemia, and infusion treatment for my Crohn’s Disease. I am exhausted and this will hit me soon. Nausea, the headache, diarrhea for several days, and more. So I am starting a schedule of treatment again for both conditions. Weekly infusions, and a shot and a pill for my Leukemia. This will last 4 weeks and then tests will be run again. This is what I was doing before COVID-19 hit. So I have gone 6 weeks without any kind of treatment. My situation was starting to get really rough. I was to the point of not being able to eat hardly anything and I could not go to the bathroom without extreme pain. So hopefully this will put me back on track sooner rather than later. It is what it is.

I am depressed beyond words. I miss my son and granddaughter. I miss my life as it was. I miss my best friend. Who I feel I have lost. And it’s my fault. I have been in such a terrible state of mind since this pandemic started I don’t even know where to begin or what I should do. Life is a jumbled mess. I don’t how to get out of this hole. I am lonely. I miss contact. My son has not even called in for almost 2 weeks. I don’t understand. I know he is busy. He is still working but a 5-minute phone call. I am the one that always makes the calls. I decided to wait and see if he would call. Now, I feel even worse.

I know everyone has stuff they are dealing with. My best friend lives in another state. And the last time we talked I just felt like I was bothering her. She too has a lot going on. I have not seen her for almost 2 years which makes me extremely sad. We used to vacation together yearly. Last year we didn’t due to her health. I just want some time with her. And after all of this just give me a long weekend to reconnect. When this is over. I hope and pray we can reconnect when the COVID-19 settles down.

I try to fill my days up with stuff. Reading, diamond painting, cleaning, going for walks, but I am lonely. And now that treatment has started again I know I won’t feel like doing a lot. My body will have to adapt again. Until then there will be nausea, naps, and being afraid to go too far from the bathroom. This isn’t anything new. I know what to expect with treatment.

This entry has been a big woe is me mess. A bit of feeling sorry for myself. This too shall pass. I am going to go outside while it’s not raining and soak up some fresh air.


Log in to write a note
April 29, 2020

I hope you are feeling better soon and you get out of this slump…Just remember this is “just for now”

April 29, 2020

Feel better soon!

April 29, 2020

Big Hugs.  I hope you feel better, and I hope you connect with your friend and your son.

April 29, 2020

I can feel your pain thru your words! Sending hugs and prayers