disappear

I watched a youtube today called The Morning After I Killed Myself, which had me in tears. Not that I would kill myself, but I keep wishing I was dead. I went to the grocery store again today, and felt so anxious with all that food around me. I limited my binge this time to healthy food which is stupid since I just make myself sick anyway. But that’s what I did, so I ended up getting brown rice, eggs, a cooked chicken, and 4 loaves of carb-free bread. (I’m saving 1 loaf for tomorrow if needed). All the bad feelings I have are released after I throw up, but then I always end up hating myself again. I don’t think I can stop. How do people live years like this? I’m such a baby.

Oh and I gained 2 lbs. How did that happen?? I was so angry at myself. I did eat cauliflower and an orange yesterday without purging it, how can that cause a 2 lb weight gain though. Probably just body fluctuations but still I just felt like I was so fat.

My coworker called me anorexic yesterday. I now know that I can’t say anything about my weight anymore or what I eat or don’t eat. It surprised me so many people who see me say I’m not fat if I say that I am. At first I thought they were saying it to be polite, but now I think they really think that and maybe I’ve been sounding crazy to talk about how I want to be thin. My thoughts are obsessed with wanting to be thin and with food so I guess I just opened my mouth too much. I have to play it right now so no one gets suspicious because I really hate to be talked about behind my back, even if it’s just a little bit. My other job was like that, only they talked about me a lot and made fun of me openly to my face. I want to be perfect here at this job.

I wish I was anorexic instead of bulimic (if I really am bulimic). I want my bones to be visible everywhere. I want my shoulder blades to stick out more, I want my hips to be just bones.

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It’s not really weight it’s water in your body. Once your body wants food and you don’t give it the water in your body can turn to fat cells which are trying everything it can to keep you alive.

March 20, 2021

The noter British Poptart is right on the note she has left for you.. I hope you get help because you can die from annorexia and bullimia. I hope you know that all that purging of food your doing is ruining your teeth, your digestive system. It aint worth it. I really hope you realize you need and will get help.

March 20, 2021

Seeing someone with bones protruding outside ones body does not strike me as attractive or healthy. To be healthy one needs to haveĀ  certain amount of healthy body fat to stay healthy.