I had to create a diary because I am so obsessed with food, I want to just talk to someone constantly about it. I started throwing up what I ate only a few weeks ago, but it really took over my life fast. I hadn’t meant it to, but even my thoughts have changed about myself. My thoughts are darker. I started hating myself and wanting to hurt myself, but not suicide, just ways to hurt my body. I only started with throwing up something I ate, and now I’m obsessed with food. I have food everywhere- in my bedroom, my locker at work, my car. I keep it by me when I work. I organize my food. I love having food around me, not even for a binge but just having it around like keeps me safe. And when I don’t eat it and I just look at it then I feel like I’m stronger. I control what I eat and that it comes back out. I like eating the same thing each day. If I’m off work, I have a bouillon soup cube for breakfast, and I’ve just thrown that up once. Then I drink kombucha for lunch and keep that down. If I feel like I need to, I’ll eat something during the day to throw it up. I always throw up dinner. I’ll eat anything for dinner. But I’ve gotten myself in trouble where a few times I couldn’t throw the dinner up so I just had to exercise. Hate myself so much when that happens. At work I like to eat hummus and marshmallows and throw it up. I always throw up at work. I started getting a little dehydrated so I make sure to drink a lot of water afterwards now. I wish I could drink the juice I used to like but I don’t know why but I have to throw it up also. So I just stopped drinking it since it hurts coming up.

In the back of my mind, I know that this is wrong and unhealthy. I don’t want to stop though even though I hate parts of this, like my thoughts of hating/wanting to hurt myself. I’m losing weight, but my body doesn’t look thinner, it looks fatter than when I was heavier. I hate how clothes look on me. I’m not happy like I used to be. But there’s something really driving me to do this. This is surrounding me like armor. I guess it would be considered bulimia. I never wanted to be bulimic but I am throwing up. Right now I wish I could stop even though I just wrote I don’t want to! What’s wrong with me???

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March 20, 2021

Depression snowballs when your body is weak and screaming for balance. It tells you the bad feelings are true. One starts to think if there is one thing that can be controlled the imperfect things will be fixed. The world is just not perfect and lots of good things in the world are imperfect. Being special in this world demands imperfection. Give yourself some of the empathy that you show those people you work with.

March 21, 2021

the noter Tunguska had nailed it right on the nose by what she has left you. The depression combined with the bullimia distorts your thinking.