Work and food

I had a few busy days at work. I feel so dumb at work. I’m always behind and asking for help with how to do something. Even the secretary took off on a day I’m supposed to be in charge because she knows it will be awful. I keep thinking I’ll get better, but I haven’t made any progress. I love my job, I just wish I wasn’t bad.

I don’t binge in large amounts at work but I do throw up. I started throwing up just sugar and water when I have to do it. I still can’t figure out if I like this or if I hate it, but I keep doing it so it must make me feel better. When my throat is aching and burning, and I’ve controlled whatever is inside me, on the outside I feel like I’m one step closer to being what I want to be while on the inside I’m doing away with everything wrong with me. What will be left won’t be me anymore. I like to think that this eating problem is taking over me and will completely. I don’t know why though.

Anyway the last 3 days I had huge binges. I hate that word. Binges. So disgusting. I went to the grocery store and just bought whatever I thought would be good to throw up and some things that hurt to throw up, to just to say f you I could and don’t care and will feel the pain. I haven’t eaten everything though, I stored a lot neatly around me. I can’t identify my emotions really good sometimes. Like I can’t say how I feel when I binge besides thinking about how I hate myself. I’m not sure why exactly I’m doing this. I don’t know if writing this all in a diary is helpful or not because sometimes when I write this down I feel worse about myself.

So I guess I should talk about suicide. I wouldn’t kill myself but I think about it. I know how I would do it if I was going to, but I don’t want to. I hate myself. What’s wrong with me? I really used to be happy.

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March 6, 2021

Probably you should change how you tell your story to yourself. It helps, sooner if not later..

March 20, 2021

What is going on with you is the bullimia has taken control of your brain its a mental illness and of course its also an eating disorder compounded with distorted body image and feeling the need of a sense of control.  I strongly urge you to get help and talk to someone about this.