Idk what to title this

I’m depressed  and idk i have a lot of conflicting views on life and can’t seem to pick one because I feel like both of those conflicting views are based off how I see people live their life, and just something inside of me doesn’t make any sense. I’m just confused, and idk im just really  depressed. I just dont ever want to get anxiety in anything ever again. I rather be depressed than anxious. Its a poison  I rather take, I just really wish my hispanic parents understood the idea of mental health. I want them to get it, instead of disregarding it. Its like I tell them “Hey, im depressed  and  anxious for X and Y reason.” and they excuse it with,

“No your only depressed because you’re in your room all day, and you play games.”

Or with

“But your not depressed or anxious when its 3 in the morning laughing with your playstation friends right? You know your dad works tomorrow and he is tired, your talking to loud or this and that.”

And its like really? I literally don’t know what else to do with my anxiety or depression but to play games or laugh with my PS buddies. Which sucks because if your not helping me the only thing I can do is THAT.

I just wished they get it and pray they do one day. Its not to disregard that my dad works and being  disrespectful, but damn bro what am I suppose to do? Lay in bed all day and think about my anxiety and depression and repitional thoughts of the future? Because I’m not allowed to find a coping mechanism or distract myself from the thougts and worries I have? Like really?

I just want things to work out, and I don’t want my fears or anxieties coming true. I don’t want to struggle anymore. And sometimes I pray and yet I’m waiting for an  answer from God when im to much of an airhead to even notice whatever sign God has given me or whatnot because my brain is constantly calculating predictions of life and theoritcal situations  I’ll be put in based off pre-existing experiences in my life, along with self-evaluation of understanding my limits based of my emotions and skills, and I hate it . I feel like a video game character with limited powers to specific things with very high disadvantages, while my brain is the player trying so hard to do what I want to do but because of my characters poor levels in skills and emotions I can’t.

I hate it all, I hate myself for the way I am. I  don’t struggle with physical appareance, but with my internal appereances. I’m selfish, I only want someone to be there for me and understand me and just help me and take all my burdens without breaking down  on me because I need to rely on that person whole heartedly. I  just need help, and I really need to call for therapy soon, ive sent an email through my community college because it comes with my tuition and haven’t received any email back from them, but honestly I just hate waiting on the phone just  to get professional help, like I want a therapist that is actually gonna make a difference in my life, but we’ll see just lately I haven’t been up to actually call single stop.

I just hope everything works out for me, I don’t want to be in this whole anymore, I hope God answers all my prayers, Becuase honestly im the biggest joke out there in terms of my religion.

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