Last night, we were in his car, driving around, just chatting about life and a party we had just went to. One of his friends just graduated nursing school, so we came out to celebrate with her and her family. I asked Adam to park on a dark street and we just chilled for awhile–napped, listened to music, enjoyed the weather. There were moments of simply caressing each other’s face or holding hands– romantic but chaste. I kissed him, affectionately, softly… and then he rose up out of his seat and pulled me so close to him that I felt him trembling. I am amazed at the emotions and physicality of being close to a man, of feeling the heat of true desire for me. I sometimes make eye contact when we kiss because I like seeing the rawness in his expressions, the honesty in his eyes. I have never felt so much vulnerability and power than I do in the moments our lips meet.
Our time together feels sacred. I’m determined to carry the passion, respect, joy and desire we have for each other into our marriage and to jealously guard our relationship from anything that could jeopardize it. “Being with you is very fulfilling.” is what he told me the night he proposed. My aim is to make sure that he feels that way 10 years from now, 20 years from now, 30 years from now…
The culture we live in is so obsessed with sex that the things that come before the final consummation are often lost upon others who have rushed into it. I think this is a shame. As Irène Némirovsky put it in Suite Francaise, “Waiting is erotic.” I’m enjoying this time as like a honeymoon-before-the-honeymoon.
I remember the week we got engaged, and we were visiting my parents house a couple of days after Adam proposed. We stood in their driveway before coming in the door, arm-in-arm, and I just started laughing.
“What is it?” he asked, bemused.
I put my arms around him. “Hey! We’re getting married! Can you believe it?”
He started laughing too, embraced me and we stood there cheek-to-cheek under the moonlight. Our breath was visible because it was a frigid December night, but I didn’t feel the least bit cold while close to him. “Hardly. “, he replied. “But here we are.”
We stood there in joy and sweetness for a few more moments before coming in for dinner.
We didn’t bother with an engagement party. Neither of us like being the center of attention and it’s expensive emotionally and financially to do those sorts of things. But nevertheless, we are celebrating, just privately. Words are insufficient to describe the elation of being in a relationship with a man who truly, truly cares, and who looks at me with the kindest eyes I’ve ever known. He believes in me,supports my dreams, is devoted, and respects me very, very much. My aim in our life together is to continue to cultivate the consummate love we share.
I am incredibly, astonishingly, extraordinarily, blessed.