What is real

I never believed in love. As in, they are the one meant for me. Soulmates. Kismet. I believed that love is a decision we make. Which is why love does not last. People stop deciding to love their partner. This was a belief system I developed early in life. I have had one failed relationship after another and following my divorce I decided I was going to try things with a new approach. The next relationship I had was going to be with intention. I was going to base my choices only off qualities of spirit and character. I met a lovely person and developed a strong, trusting bond with them. I was settled in my choice, I was content but there was a part of me that felt like a caged bird. Part of me that was desperate to be free. I learned a lot about myself and about what love should look like. How people treat you when they love you. I am in my 40’s and I just started to understand and love myself. During those years I became complacent. I let myself go in some ways. My partner and I did not engage in a sexual relationship so I stopped focusing on my sexuality on a whole. I closed my eyes to what I did not want to see. Then the most unexpected thing happened, I fell in love. This is my soul mate. I was created to fit with this person. This experience shook my core beliefs. My life has been completely turned inside out and seems to be in shambles but maybe that is part of what growth is. I feel as though I have awakened, I am viewing myself and my life through fresh eyes. I had a soul moving, life altering experience. I moved from friendship into a love affair more passionate, tender, romantic than any book I have ever read. One day this person is my long time, trusted friend, the friend you call when you physically need someone to help you. The friend you call when shit hits the fan. This friend that I loved and admired so much kissed me. My initial reaction was to pull back and say no. Nope, not for me. The second the kiss was close enough to taste every hair on my body raised and I felt like an animal poised to run. I could taste desire before their lip touched to mine. There are moments you do not anticipate, the kiss changed everything. This combustible passion devoured me, it lit me on fire. The physical part caught my attention! Whoa ho, what’s this? Yahtzee! That’s not where it happened though. It was when time ceased, when the absence of everything that was not in that moment started to return; when I heard the music we swayed to, I knew.