This is probably going to be shit entry as I dont have the capacity to do anything right right now. My thoughts and emotions and everything are a complete jumbled mess. I do it to myself because I have lost and I am unable to maintain any kind of confidence. I am so fucked up. What do I do? I pray, meditate…… nothing seems to  work.

Annie is so special and important to me. It seems like every time I turn around I am saying something that seems to be too much when all I am trying to do is being open and honest like I am asked to.  Am I doing too much? Or am I right in doing what I am asked to do even though it seems like it is too much? I need to know. Right now I am trying to be polite and give her the space she wants for the next couple days until she responds to what I had said. I have some stuff to drop off to her that she left in my car, I might put my poetry/feelings book in there for her to read since she has been wanting to read it.

I need my patience back. You would think for someone that I love, cherish and admire so much and for someone that feels the same for me I could be able to do it but I struggle so hard to prevent myself from doing it. But eventually I snap, even as we speak I am trying to not contact her to talk and mkae conversation while she needs her time to regain her energies. But I did promise to drop that stuff off. Not sure if she’ll talk for a few, take it and go or just make me drop it off on the porch.

I need so much help.I talk to my therapist but that is only temporary help it seems. AND EVEN NOW WRITING ABOUT ALL THIS ISNT HELPING. WHAT IN THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME.WHAT HAPPENED TO MY PATIENCE. I can think back to as far as Jeanette and I was pretty easy going with that. At least as far as I remember I was. But I saw her a little more often as we worked together. But now I am just full of whatever it is and ready to explode. What do I honestly do? I am at a loss.

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April 23, 2021

You are not alone. I am going through my own version of this. It feels ridiculously hard, to find a way to improve. I have started listening to          “Dare to Lead” by Brene Brown, on Spotify. It is a course on improving the way we communicate, by understanding human behavior and how to navigate through common things that trigger fear and feeling isolated. It addresses how people generally keep their “armor” up, to protect themselves and she explains her perspective on being daring and couragous, by moving beyond fear, by being real with it. It doesn’t mean you are weak or unworthy, being honest enough to learn through it. Transforms the negatives like shame and such into let’s be couragous enough to grow. Something I really need to do.

I would truly recommend it. Her insight is totally relatable for improving our experience in life, as well as work. I found great comfort and help in identifying what is troubling me and her perspective on solutions are remarkably inspiring, to me. I really found a glimmer of hope. Maybe you can too.