Honesty saved me back in high school. Being honest and being stream of consciousness and not editing is what saved my life.
I’m about to fly to Orlando from Salt Lake City. The last few days I was at the Sundance film fest and I had a really beautiful time.
Show me what to do. What to say. What stories to tell.
What do I have to say right now? I am happy that I came here.
I’m less stream-of-consciousness than I was before. I saw a movie, I worked through some stuff during it (I tend to do that when I’m watching a film that isn’t fully working), I worked through the things I Am Constantly fighting. Being. Out of control.
Have I gone back? During the film I was able to let go of being in control to protect myself from fear. From anger. To edit those emotions. Sadness and hopelessness too. Things that get in the way of me winning every situation, never wanting to be vulnerable.
I think during the film I connected to the fear that I didn’t really know I had, well I knew consciously but not subconsciously: I did not know how afraid I was as a child, I did not know how much my father scared me. I am afraid I have already done the same to my son. First born.
I am angry. Won’t edit it. I am bitter.
I am hurt. I don’t want to be hurt anymore. Don’t want that. I actually want to be vulnerable With People. People.
What do I do with the anger?
How do I get back to that feeling I had earlier? Am I being, am I editing? Am I editing myself already?
Perform. Show others.
Show others. That’s vulnerable. Not just to yourself.
I will share myself.
Maybe it’s not time to write right now. Maybe it’s time to feel.
Ah. I think I’m punishing myself at the moment. Which is my natural reaction to being vulnerable. I let go of controlling myself through punishment.