Atomic blast doors or: I’m not crazy?

Tonight I had what I would call the first demon dream I’ve had in nearly a year (when I first moved in here I believe I had one) and it was, in the dream, like an electrocution to my chest, and I knew what it was, and I prayed to God that I only worshiped him —

I just realized as I wrote that that tonight I masturbated and didn’t feel bad at all afterwards (I usually do), and as I was getting set up for it (turning the channel, etc.) I was almost saying out loud (but in my head), “I’m gonna do it whether you like it or not. Anything you say wont stop me,” because I was being honest —

As I wrote that I remembered it has not actually been a year since my last one…it was actually in January when I got that taste of hell? I was masturbating on my floor, I’m sure to porn, and I wrote in my diary that I felt the hand of God pulling away from me; and that night I had a demon dream, and the next night, and then I hated life again, and etc, and then yeah.

So now as I write that I told God I worship only him, I realize it’s not true. Though I’ve definitely worked very hard on it, and I’ve stopped watching porn, I let lust invade me still. I don’t think God was punishing me because of my masturbation, and he decided to sic his demons on me or something.

I do believe he allowed my choices to bring consequences. Thank You, I say.

At the end of the dream I was woken and I was frozen as usual (why does this always happen afterward?) and I heard someone speak and the sound of my door closing or opening and I started trying to yell out “help me. Save me.” Because I thought it was Bo, my roommate.

I think it was just the demons enjoying themselves.

I’m sorry God. Thank you for showing me my unfaithfulness. You’re so weird. 🙂

Now I’m wondering whether…I don’t know. I guess I’m worried that the Holy Spirit is gone. (And no, it isn’t.)

Why do you allow me to come back every time? Israel is a whore, and you love her because, past the sadness and bruises she’s created for herself (or allowed very actively others to do to her), You know the reason You made her.

I want to serve You with all of me. i Love You.