Cos I’m bored, I’m choosing to write here. I’ve left my guitar in work and now I feel the need to PLAY the bloody thing and I’m A MILLION MILES AWAY (well, actually, more like 30 but still…)
So, I’m sitting here listening to The Sea And Cake instead (google them – please, I’m converting the world) and thinking up pointless lists.
Let’s start with a positive. So, in no particular order… Things I…
1. Washing machines running on a Saturday morning. The sound of domestic bliss.
2. Old fashioned London Underground posters.
3. Cool breezes through the windown in the afternoon.
4. Boring, mundane, repeative tasks that you can bury your head in and listen to music while doing…
5. Mornings (Sunny)
6. Full fruit bowls.
7. Discovering a new band.
8. Coffee in the morning (and the afternoon).
9. Reading in bed.
10. Cleanliness and Order.
11. Wandering through London taking note of things, rather than rushing about like the Twats that live there.
12. Adverts for local businesses at my local cinema.
13. My local cinema.
15. Wearing colours, rather than black (yes, I KNOW I’m wearing a navy t-shirt in that pic but I am usually colourful!!)
16. Lauren and myself doing seperate things while in the same place and being ok with it :), rather than doing EVERYTHING together.
17. Log burners. Just because.
18. Finding stuff out about random things.
19. Country pubs
20. Second hand bookshops.
21. Interesting bookcases full of books.
22. Reuse of things. No, not recycling – just re-use. Re-cycling is another word for ‘binning it’
23. Pianos in rock n’ roll.
24. Cool DVD/Video rental places, where you can get films worth watching, rather than just the latest thing with Ben Stiller in it.
25. Stephen Fry.
26. Johnny Cash.
27. CDs and record collections, rather than MP3s. I don’t like MP3s because I can’t see them all the time and forget I have stuff. They’re not a bad thing at all… just a bit too convenient.
28. Rainy winter afternoons. Enforced laziness! 🙂
30. Coffee bars that play jazz. No, not Starbucks – some other sort of place that’s less corporate. Yes, I know that’s part of what I stand against because EVERYONE does it but I’d like to think I made a choice to do it rather than did it because it was trendy.
31. Low level lighting. Cosy.
32. Beaches in winter.
33. Beaches on summer evenings.
35. Being completely clueless. (They both have their benefits).
36. Being in a world of my own.
37. Bottles of wine in the kitchen (not to drink straight away but just there for when you want them).
38. Pigs. Under-rated animal!!
39. Cynicism. Can provide the best laughs.
40. The smell of pipe smoke.
41. Will Smith. Odd one to jump into this list – but I’ll include him because he’s gone from The Fresh Prince to an adult. Something pretty rare for a Yank…!
42. Bill Hicks. Nuff said.
43. Eddie Izzard. For just being.
44. Karman Ghias. Oh so cool.
45. ’55 Oldsmobile 88’s. Cooler still.
46. Dunlop trainers.
47. Full Cooked Breakfasts.
48. Train travel. Quite relaxing, really.
49. Pictures of beaches.
50. Free thinkers. Important. Very important.
Ok, so now (obviously)… Things I…
1. Certain aspects of America (well, there are alot – but that would be a list in itself. I can’t just say ‘everything about it’ as there are good things. Jerry Lee Lewis for one. Anyway, I digress).
2. The US version of Gordon Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares (oh well, one crept in!) – I can’t stand the way it has to spoonfeed the audience’s atrophied brains information. Christ…
3. Religion – argh! The blind leading the idiots.
4. Free newspapers. I mean.. it’s so awful you couldn’t make people pay for it? Yet they all take a copy when it’s free? It’s still just as crap, pointless and brain-numbing! You’d swear the only thing that happened in the world was Lilly Allen getting off her tits on coke with Pete Doherty each night…
5. City Workers – ooh. Eee-vil.
6. People who define themselves on Facebook by a characature they had drawn whilst on holiday in Spain 5 years ago.
7. Facebook – depressing, depressing. What happened to all that youthful vigor and zest that all the people I knew had…!? Maybe I’m just growing up slower than them.
8. Men in Pointy Shoes – I mean, why?
9. Dave – the TV channel. Come on… stop turning your audience into boorish morons!!
10. The Welsh Language Board – Yes, I am Welsh and yes, the people who run that are insane.
11. The term ‘So-and-soGATE’ for anything vaguely scandalous.
12. Pubs that serve all their drinks in plastic glasses. Is it just me, or does that somehow destroy a good night…?Maybe if the bars weren’t so shit they wouldn’t attract the Smart Shoes And Shirt Brigade and would therefore obliviate the need to do such things?
13. MSN’s website and their ‘workplace facts’. Eeeeee…
14. Ad agencies. Totally insane.
15. ‘Creative’ people. Yawn. No, YOU’RE NOT. You can’t do anything new. Give up and accept the fact you’re only like it to hang around in trendy bars with Lilly Allen getting off her tits on… etc.
16. Fucking Lists. Ooh, Lists. I hate them. Well, the ones on Channel 4 anyway. I’m bored of hearing Vernon Kaye witter on about something that you don’t care about.
17. Music Magazines going on constantly about The Beatles and how great they were. They were just a BAND. And John Lennon was quite nuts.
18. Following on from the above, Yoko Ono. Not good at all. Weirdo.
19. Japanese-Western culture. Something’s gone very wrong here.
20. Russian porn. Odd.
21. People who moan about Tesco creating a monopoly. Well, you created the fucker. If you didn’t moan about things not being cheap enough, or convenient enough, Tesco would never exist. Here’s an idea; go shop down your local shop for all the things which you’re now so used to getting for less than a quid. Oh, what’s that? Too expensive? Ha, can’t win!
IT’S A SUPERMARKET. YOU CREATED IT!! You ungrateful child. Go to your room.
22. YouTube – specifically, the people who put POINTLESS videos on there. Why does the world want to see you and your pratty antics? Example here -> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9mitW_p-kY4 I mean, what the hell was the point of that?! Shame it includes one of my favourtie songs (hence why I came across it).
23. Insurance companies who make out that they’re doing some sort of moral job. Fuck off. You’re sharks.
24. Russell Brand. You could only exist in the here and now. And no, "having a drug addiction is not cool" (Can’t remember where I read that but thought I couldn’t pass it off as my own).
25. Post-ironc-cockface-messages. Not funny.
26. The decline of Elvis. Very, very sad and ver
y, very tragic.
27. TV Appeals – Go to hell. Just how much DO you spend on TV ads…?
28. Music downloads (the lack of free ones and the death of Pandora.com in the UK). Excuse me, MCPS-PRS allience? I have a complaint. All that piracy you witter about? All that free stuff getting out to fans who will then go and buy concert tickets/merch/CDs (if they’re like me)/or whatever? That’s harming the music industry? I thought that because music was so popular and bands were liked and followed that’s healthy…oh wait. Sorry, you’re getting annoyed because you and the labels are losing money that you want to hang on to. I’d be with you, if you actually paid the bands their dues rather than lining your own pockets. Anyway, due to Pandora.com I have bought 6 CDs of bands I would never have been aware of otherwise. That’s bad? Give a little to get a little? No? Oh fuck off then.
29. Suits. There’s no need for them. Unless your name is Brian Ferry. Then you’re allowed.
30. Celebrity scandals and gossip mags – PR stunts. Wake up! It’s really boring…? No? Nevermind…
31. Therapy. More of a US thing, I know. If you think you need therapy for something, you don’t really need it. Watch out for the real nutjobs who think they’re ‘fine’.
32. Overhead lights. Harsh.
33. A general lack of understanding of your surroundings. Let’s test this. Think of something you do regularly. Do you really know ANYTHNG about it, apart from what it looks like?
34. Routine. We all fall into this trap and some things are inevitable. But too much is bad.
35. I-Pods. Not mp3 players. Just I-Pods. Get down with the kids… ho hum…
36. People talking at length about stuff they know nothing about. Usually found in the pub. Or a Church. (Yes, you could classify this whole list as this point but this is just what’s on my mind as I think of it. I’m not forcing you to read!!!)
37. Neon-coloured drinks (and other shitty mass marketed drinks such as Carling).
38. ‘£10 on the door and free drinks all night!!’ – Can only appeal to the already wasted. You really think they’re gonna lay on the Dom Perigon and the Leffe for a one off fee of a tenner? Cue watered down filth and a stinking hangover.
39. Fart jokes. Do you suffer from mental retardation? Do you laugh at sneezes? Fuckwitt.
40. Any CD purporting to be the ‘Greatest So-and-So Album ever’. There’s only so much ‘Total Eclipse Of The Heart’ I can stand without wanting to tear my own ears off.
41. Soft Cock and Rock Salads. Total shite.
42. Modern Country and Western – I mean, come on… You can’t move on. It sounds shite. And anyone that doesn’t look like a drag queen or a gay icon gets lambasted but stuck on a pedistal after they’re dead, carefully forgetting that you cast them out when they were alive.
43. U2 and REM. Bar one or two songs, you’re both shit.
44. The word ‘Ethos’. Yuck.
45. Dunlop trainers. They fall to bits! Waaaaa…
46. Running to catch trains. Run, fools! Run! Or you’re dead! Hahahahaha. *Sigh*
47. Ex-Pats. Fools.
48. Disclaimers. KP Nuts – May Contain Nuts. ‘Your home may be at risk if you do not keep up payments on your mortgage’. ‘Danger – Risk Of Death’. Oh, stop it! Please, you’re screwing with Darwin here! If someone who is allergic to nuts starts munching on a bag of KP, they deserve to die, or at least be given a nasty shock. If someone doesn’t bother paying their mortgage, well, that’s their problem and those leccy pylons…?
49. Scary adverts for the Police. Look, we know you exist and that you frown on most things. But we also know that you find it easier to try and catch people who aren’t usually evading the law because they’re easier to help bump up ‘crime prevention’ figures. Lazy sods.
and finally (!)
50. Bikes. YOU ARE A PEDESTRIAN ON WHEELS. NOT A BUS. DO NOT EXPECT TO BE GIVEN THE SAME REVERANCE. I WILL CONTINUE TO IGNORE YOU NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU SWEAR UNDER YOUR SILLY HAT.
Well, that took longer than expected!!