anniversary.

i’ve painted it in other pages, how it went. its not necessary to say it here. it is finally out of reach – and i look, not back, but far off, as if to those distant hills. i see the final days of those long celebrations.

these are the festivities of my banishing! i am not there.

there are nymphs attendant, and unicorns, and many other legendary creatures at this festivity of life. there is so much music and godly repast : ) it is bountiful with all that life offers, there.  even from miles away, it is hard to draw ones eye away from the color and hymns of joy.

he grieved for an hour until the beauty of the world without me attended him. life burst into bloom without his daily dose of sorrows {mine!). i see this is true. i see and hear the celebrants, distantly – much dancing and singing of old songs! food and song, drink and love. everything is righted there. the colors are brighter in that corner of the world. as it was meant to be. there in the service of the human heart.

he is not as i left him, is he?

he lives, he lived best, he was brought up to it. and he has not failed his people in any way. i remember the beautiful things that naturally attended him.

i remember how it was in its immediate shock – before i knew, even – i put out my own eyes at the sight of him. instinctively, i knew i should draw away his doom, i must promptly make the offering instructed by my ill heart – be it my own sight, my own well-being, my own entire life.

i shielded him from me even then.

common people do not understand goodness when it arrives. cruel people can find no profit in the beholding. in order to remain near, it was necessary to blight myself, to inhibit the influence of my darkness with an act of sacrifice. an love was hardly born. that day. o let me never lay my hands on that holiness, that love.

it was not my place to reside there, but i could not leave near that warmth and light.

it is one thing to type so blithely of it.

it was all at once, i was most certainly too slow-witted for the apprehension on that day of what i had done, but i was loving enough to catch the last of it, i mean the last caution my heart said: i was loving enough to know what had to be done.

long before, when i was young, i had fallen in with a bad crowd. and this is how it came to be. after childhood.

a man had left me for his own benefit, decisively. he was my twin. he had seen something more rewarding, so he had divested of me, he had pried off my grip, to my enourmous surprise. i stood and stared at his small petty violence that he meant for harm – i laughed out loud. look how we were served! i laughed and laughed. he had found me worth nothing to him – worth – less –  enough to abandon: like in a story how a poor man, a father, abandons a frail child in the forest. anyone could see it is the child ought to abandon the man! but there was the truth of what happened: the good child becomes an ill creature, filthy and foraging among roots and foul insects for sustenance, abandoned by its own kind. & it had been like that – i was soured, embittered, bewildered. & i never shone again, i never quite righted. til i beheld a good man. as i looked and gazed with my two eyes – a little figure full of metaphors within me, of gold and gems and rightness, straightened itself up within me. that was a fine revelation, but time exists – time and death. i had already given what value i had to beasts. he knew.