I just wrote about 3 paragraphs and erased them all because I realize how pathetic I am, and I’m in a proactive attempt to cleanse it for good out of my system. I’ve had a LOT of setbacks in my quest for, I dont know, self-adoration maybe? I’ve been my own worst enemy for years. My head is sick and sometimes my thoughts are so revolting that a stranger would wonder how this outwardly put together attractive young woman could be so lost and self-destructive on the inside. But I am. and I have lived my life by making room for the ugliness that never seems to just fade away. It’s always in the back, and it’s always a reminder of how not normal I will ever be.
I find myself attracted to those who are confident, funny, overly ambitious, "the life of the party", and just generally content to be themselves in any situation. I’m attracted to them so fiercely mainly because I dont see any of those qualities in myself and I so desperately long for that. But when I finally attract them in return with my pseudo confidence/flirtations/etc, I wonder why it all goes down when they finally realize I’m this closet depressive who has low self-esteem, anger issues, and currently not ambitious about anything. I repel the men I want the most, and all because I dont know how to be happy alone. Seeing all of this written down is painful and hard to take in, but it’s all true. My feelings are like this due to many circumstances, but I refuse to give any excuses for my actions or to where my thoughts wander. I just want to be accepted and to feel worthy of something greater. And let’s cut the bullshit with the whole, "You have to love yourself first" business. It’s not that easy. It never was. It’s so easy for people to say something like that when their hole that they dug is only 2 ft deep and they can jump out of it with little to no effort, but when your hole is down 6 ft deep the view is less than desirable and the efforts made to get out are sometimes futile.
I’ve never condoned suicide, and yes I am going there. I’ve never condoned taking a life, but you will never know the dark shadows that surround a person until your down in that hole with them. Until you’ve given 150% and the darkness just still wont go away. You’ve tried every pill out there and you’re still the same or worse on the inside. When you’ve talked to every soul you can, but still no one can fully empathize. The only reason to live is for the good days, but when those good days run out….what else is left? Judgement comes so swiftly from those who are so ignorant, but redemption comes from those who see beyond themselves and can feel the pain of another.
I still hold on for those good days because even though they seem few and far between, they’re still there and the voice inside of me keeps telling me that another will come again.
"Life is for each man a solitary cell whose walls are mirrors." – Eugene O’Neill