I’ve been afraid to post entries because my lover is privy to reading these most private thoughts. I must always be aware of his feelings, even though he tells me not to hold back and he promises NOT to hold anything I say against me.
But I am still afraid. I’m afraid he will leave me.
If I upset him enough to drive him away, I’ll be committing emotional suicide, and here is why.
I have never felt more alone in my life than I do right now.
I am basically my cancer stricken best friend’s family, which consists of a mentally impaired daughter, an aging father and one selfish, albeit normal son. She inherited her mom’s house and she and her husband had a very broken marriage and have lived apart for seven years. They are currently in the beginning stages of a long overdue divorce.
The catalyst to their merciful breakup was an affair, started by my best friend with some rag tag dude associated with the motley crew she hired to roof her house.
That’s not even the best part.
This guy is a twice convicted sex offender with one of his victims being 13 and the other, 7.
That wasn’t a typo. I wrote it correctly.
This is the same woman that wouldn’t let her grandkids play on the local playground at dusk, for fear of human traffickers, which is ludicrous, because we live in a town of four thousand. Now, her grandkids can’t be anywhere near her. She’s been a willing accomplice in her special needs daughter’s quest to knock herself up as many times as humanly possible, which has resulted in six kids that have been sired by what she says is the same man, but I believe otherwise so he MUST, too.
Maybe that’s why he’s never around and missed all six births.
I saw the hurricane brewing and it all finally blew, leaving ME to pick up the pieces of her daughter’s mangled life. I did this NOT to cover my girlfriend’s ass, but because I genuinely love her daughter like my own child. She IS my own child because my best friend is the other part of me. I’ve watched her grow up and was an active participant in her life.
Last weekend, exactly six months after my girlfriend jumped ship and probably as she lay fucking her pedo boyfriend, CPS was taking all six of her grandkids while I stood by consoling her hysterical child.
Her soon to be ex had left a bruise on the child’s arm, which was reported by school, and thank God it is a law that they do so. What kind of loser bruises their autistic grandkid?
So, I am alone, and aware that my best friend has gone mad and lost her fucking mind and I can’t believe how deeply it has affected me. I’m reluctant to talk to my lover about my problems because I’d rather focus on being happy than complaining, seeing as how I may be on borrowed time.
I wrote and wrote, but I didn’t post. The more I worried about upsetting him, the further inside myself I recoiled, and the more isolated I felt.
A few days ago I woke up and realized that with the absolute and total exception of my children, and maybe my lover, I have nothing left to lose.
I lost my husband years ago. So many years ago that I forgot what it felt like to have loved him. And he made damn sure I stayed in a steady state of amnesia by being a drunken, verbally and occasionally physically abusive prick for most of our marriage.
I lost my business because I didn’t treat my depression.
I’ve lost my best friend to a mid life crisis.
The only thing I have left to lose is faith.
It is hard to put what little is left of my faith in my lover’s promise of fidelity.
I feel like I’m standing in a giant spotlight, naked and vulnerable and at the mercy of everyone, including a God I am most afraid to believe in.
And the one person I trusted to wrap his arms around me and cover me with a blanket is long fucking gone, jamming his dick into some whore of the month because my ass is too fat and I’m yesterday’s news.
I gave my lover the best years of my life, and to repay me, he got himself a side piece…because I had lost my fucking touch I guess.
But now? What am I good for now?
If it isn’t pussy or a bj I’m good for then where does my value lie?
I know the answer to that, but to say it out loud would end my life as I know it. If I say it out loud, it means I acknowledge that I am a tawdry, shameful secret and that I love a man that frequently threatens me with the possibility of losing him immediately and forever should he be discovered having an affair with me.To say those words to someone you claim to love is a direct contradiction of said love.
To tell your lover that she’s history if it comes down to your wife knowing about her is a very fucking hurtful thing to utter.
He silently holds her above me while he watches me on my knees pleasing him.
It’s like she’s there watching, laughing at me because now I’ve done what SHE perceives as her “dirty work” like a puppet on a string. In her head she’s so much smarter than me.
And my lover feels likewise in his head. He got to keep his lifestyle and his reputation and he was gonna wrap up his affair career with a new girlfriend. One to replace ME.
Maybe my lover and his wife belong together because they are both equally awful to each other and self serving to boot.
I’m just a stupid pawn in their toxic game.
A sick game.
Where nobody plays fair.
And everyone’s fair game.