Gimme something to believe in

When he put his hands on the other “other” woman, It killed part of me..and I want that part BACK.

My pride is directly related to my self esteem. When my lover’s wife came home last spring, she brought with her an ugly cloud full of poison that rained acid on his heart. He could not breathe his fiery ire back in her face, because he didn’t want to inflict any damage upon her that might end up as permanent. To avoid that, he was mean to me instead. He snapped and scowled. He withdrew. He became an angry stranger.

I am expected to forgive and move along without using guilt as retribution.

And I have. I have not questioned or punished or reminded or cried or scolded or rubbed his face in it.

He said it wasn’t anything I did and that there isn’t anything wrong with me.

But maybe in my heart I believe it WAS something I did and there is a LOT of stuff wrong with me. I miss the days when his eyes saw me as sexy. Now they look right through me.

I want to run and hide because he has vocalized his wife’s physical flaws many times as of recently, so maybe physical beauty means more to him than he says it does. Maybe vanity is his mistress.

I am haunted by the thought that if HE doesn’t love me enough to keep what’s between us sacred, and to find me eternally beautiful, then nobody ever will. That inflicted a horrible kind of pain inside me and for a minute, I knew what it felt like to be his wife.

But I put out. Willingly.

She did not put out, willingly OR otherwise. That’s what he said set me apart from her, the fact that I truly enjoyed sex and wanted what I knew he could give me.

But now I don’t know what to believe, because that fact didn’t get me a pass to avoid his infidelity.

When he found someone else, he robbed me of the unique joy that his love brought into my life. That joy infused me with a spark that was ready to ignite whatever sexual accelerant he poured around me.

I loved being a vixen and a temptress and a delightfully naughty slut that belonged only to him. I loved the feeling it brought me and I liked to look good for him. Always, in the back of my mind, I dressed to turn him on and excite him.

Why did he want to be with someone else? Why won’t I allow my eyes to see what is in front of me, the cold hard fact that I was/am being replaced because I have come to expect something from my lover that he isn’t willing to provide? Is he MOVING on to someone he can start over with, easily, with no complications or expense, with no expectations or desire to be anything other than his blow job queen?

What about me?…his Baby?

I CAN’T GET THE MENTAL IMAGE OF THEM OUT OF MY HEAD, OR THE FEELING OF BETRAYAL OUT OF MY SOUL.

I did everything right and he still hurt me.

I’ve buried the pain and moved on with a precarious semblance of normalcy. I don’t want to face what happened. I did not punish him. I did not withhold affection from him.

I forgave him and allowed him to pretend like it didn’t happen.

I am just waiting for the day to come when he makes another mistake via text and kills what’s left between us.

Waiting for him to finish me off.

Except I’m not in a state of fear and dread, I’m in a state of impending pain. I’m literally waiting to see if this time could hurt more than the last two.

I feel as if I’m being hoodwinked, like the corporate guy that connects the dots too late and realizes as he’s being fired that he trained his own replacement.

I feel like he knows something that I don’t, and I think he’s gonna try to keep me in the dark and juggle two of us at once and he’s gonna be a lot more silent than usual to minimize the risk of fucking up.

He’s just one mistake away from stomping the fuck out of what is left of my heart, and the worst part of that is that I’m afraid to put any belief in him for fear that doing so might make it hurt worse when it all comes to fruition.

He’s essentially put me right between a rock and a hard place. There is a bomb falling from the sky and I have to dodge it or risk being crushed to death by my misplaced trust.

Maybe that’s where Purgatory lies, in between that rock and a hard place.

If that ends up as truth, just end my suffering right then and there.

And send me straight to Hell.