Hey Soul Sister

My best friend has cancer. 

What started out as a hysterectomy and a hopeful prognosis just turned into a nightmare.

The pathology report came back and the cancer has spread to her ovaries, lymph nodes and abdomen. She will need 22 weeks of chemotherapy and radiation.

I read the words “50% cure rate” and my whole world just stopped for a few moments.

That was five hours ago.

I can’t breathe.

I might die along with her. Please not MY best friend. She is the only person I know besides my Mom that loves me without restrictions… unconditionally…and I never doubted her love and I’ll never have to.

That gift may be taken from me too soon and I’m not sure I can handle it. My heart is frozen in fear.

She’s not JUST a person. She’s MY person. She’s so much more than just a friend. We share a fierce and passionate love that has stood the test of time. She’s part of me.

 Whenever I fuck up, she’s there to pretend like I didn’t and to help me pick up the pieces of myself that were usually broken by someone else. She will always find me worthy. She’s seen my tears and held me when I’ve been faced with awful things.

She knows every single one of my secrets.

Every. Single. Awful. One.

We’ve talked about taboo subjects, we’ve admitted fears and we’ve opened our hearts up to each other so wide that I’m not sure where HER kids start and MINE end. Somehow it feels like we raised them together and they are ours.

I’m sick to my stomach and I cannot think clearly.

I helped her care for her Mom when she was at the end of her battle with cancer. Single Handedly, we helped her through the process of dying and nothing has affected me more profoundly. I have flashbacks and nightmares, but I could NOT have abandoned her and the thought never crossed my mind to flee, but rather, to protect her from any further agony. I wanted to feel the hurt for her so she didn’t have to, because I couldn’t stand how it tore her up. As hard as it was for me, it was a thousand times harder for her and I still remember the look on her face when her mom took a big breath and then never breathed again.

Now I might have to watch her suffer the same fate only I don’t know if I can do it.

But I don’t have a choice. I can’t and won’t look the other way and refuse to face such a painful reality. She is me. If she can’t escape this, neither can I.

I knew when I met her that it was a love affair of sorts. I knew we would be bound for life and I know this sounds corny but it felt like we had known each other all our life within minutes of meeting.

She’s not as smart as me, but that has never been a barrier in our relationship because so much else clicked and the pureness in her beautiful soul radiated outward and touched everyone in its path including me.

I’m scared beyond what I thought was humanly possible.

Sick and frozen and helpless and scared fucking shitless and the worst part is, who do I talk to or get comfort from if it isn’t HER?

I’m totally and utterly alone in my grief.

Fifty percent survival rate.

My cup is half empty.

And my well has run dry.