I’m a believer

This entry is about me.

Because for the first time in my life, I’m emotionally alone.

It’s the most sickening feeling in the world to hear the person you love the most say “maybe we should break up.”

After 14 years of believing his love was unconditional, I’m on kinda shaky ground right now. This is the only man I have ever loved and the only adult love I have ever known and tonight, he felt as if he needed to remind me that he’s someone else’s husband and that he always will be.

From what I understood, he isn’t going to be able to give me anything more than what he gives now, and that maybe I’d be better off without him if I can’t be happy or content. 

He also reminded me that he gives me more than he gives his wife…more time, more attention, more of everything.

And he does.

I asked him what he would do if he didn’t have me for an affair partner and his reply was that he wouldn’t have another relationship, he’d just masturbate.

I feel sick.

I want to cry or throw up or maybe both. 

If he’s made to feel like his efforts fall short of what I need, he’s ready to resign himself to a lifetime WITH his wife and WITHOUT me. He will no longer want me for an emotional partner at that point anymore, either. He will be content with her and will find ways to get sexual gratification that do not include me.

So sex with me is replaced by jerking off. And she, or someone else that isn’t me, replaces the emotional part. Or, he becomes a hermit. Those were the two choices he said he had chosen for himself.

He capitulated when I freaked out!  He backtracked, in an effort to soothe me. I can’t unhear the words and I’m torn between a big fuck you and clinging to him, begging him not to leave me because I cannot breathe without him.

But that’s precisely what he wants to avoid. That is what he’s trying to flee from…the feeling of being responsible for another person’s happiness. 

And the worst part of all of this is that it came on the heels of a very personal disagreement, one for which I placed some of the blame for my hurt onto him. After some reflection time, his response to his own guilt or to my finger pointing, however misplaced it may have been, was to abandon me. 

He needs someone to vent to about how miserable his wife makes him, I know that and I want it to be me, but then he gets angry when I express confusion over why he won’t leave her. 

Angry enough to remind me that it’s ME he will leave if I make demands he isn’t willing or able to fulfill. 

I’m not angry. I’m not panicked. I’m fucking numb because nothing surprises me anymore.

Now, I feel like I’m moving closer and closer to the edge of a waterfall. I can see the drop coming and the tumultuous water is beating me up. The sound it makes is as deafening as the screams inside my head.

In the final seconds I realize I am not afraid anymore of what’s over the edge.

I am already dead, for he has silenced me. 

My voice and my written word just became what he will use to try to prove to me that I’m better off without him, to avenge himself of any guilt he will have for leaving me.

He said to let him into my head and to let him read these words because I could trust him. He assured me over and over.

What is he going to do now, with that trust I placed in him? Is he going to use it to show me what the devil looks like when he’s laughing in my face or is he gonna use it to prove to me that the 14 years I’ve given him were because the feelings in my heart were right and he was worthy of them?

If he can’t be my superhero, he’s gonna jump ship. 

But I don’t need a superhero. Everyone knows that a superhero never lets you down, and THAT isn’t reasonable because nobody is perfect.

All I need is a mortal man to believe in.

I will take him, all of him, emotional and physical imperfections included. 

My mortal man will kneel down at my feet and lay his head against my belly and tell me I’m the last face he wants to see before he leaves this world.

I don’t know who that man will be at the end of my life, but I wish my lover would continue to be his understudy, in the meantime.

It never hurts to memorize the lines.

Sometimes the cocky lead actor isn’t prepared. 

And in a twist of fate, the guy that sacrificed and put in the study time gets the part.